week 11

Today we had to take pod for his 2ond month check up but in reality he will be three months in a week!

So they gave him 3 shots today and it really made him cry his face turned red and he was crying very much and I stated to cry and so did jonny :{the nurse was incompetent and kind of a moron. She just seemed to not have any ability to absorb us or anything for that matter.

Anyways…

Pod is doing great. Today he got his first shots. he has been sleeping so much today we went to my mums and he just started screaming and my mom was like well why dont you give him meds?
i dont take meds and neither does he and what was really the cleancher was that when he was crying she was trying to take over and take care of him. im like wo.. um im the mother not you...go away. so we left and he cryed all the way home face red tears falling from his beautiful blue eyes.
he was still crying so i was trying to open his tylonel and that damn thing wouldnt open and so i used a knife becuase the damn siccors are never to be found in our house so guess what while he is screaming face red and tears falling becuase of those god damn shots they gave him i slice my finger open so there is blood gushing everywhere and now im screaming...hungry...tired...at home alone no one to help me i think im gonna pass out there was alot of blood...my phone of course was totally dead i couldnt even use it when i plugged it in peice of shit! OMG WTF??!!
so he has been sleeping alot today

week 9 and 10

Week 9 and 10

Wow time files doesn’t it?

Sometimes I cant seem to keep up with how fast time just seems to wander by.

Pod is getting so BIG!! Wow I cant believe how big pod is getting. So many things have been going on the past couple weeks.

He is cooing, in the sense that he seems to be “talking” when we talk he makes long drawled out sounds .

Pod can hold his head up almost perfectly now. He is starting to fling him self forward.

He sleeps a lot still he sleeps with us and sleeps good throughout the night.

wekk 8

Our little boy rocks in his swing…

As I watch him sleep so very peacefully In his winny and tigg jersey.

I think to myself just this:

Where does time go?

One minute we are 16 wishing on every star we see

The next we have all the wishes we wised for

And then find ourselves wishing on more stars yes but rather counting the stars in the sky

So thankful.

I wish I couls stop time …in certain moments.

From the moment your child is born you have to learn to let go…

Its difficult for a mother

You spent every second together in the womb building a relationship with each other now that we are both in the same place …. We learn how to interact in this way

Life goes by …way too fast

I just hope that I m savoring every second as I should…

Week 8

We are in month 2…how time flies

This week we have noticed that he is still licking everything in sight! Sticks out his tongue and likes to lick your skin.

We have seemed to establish a system of understanding.

I have always known what his cry’s have meant…you just know

Its just those times when you do all you can and still he cry’s that I get worried but those times hes usually tired.

Now he will cry a lot when hes ready for bed time. Which is….he sleeps next to me ….

Not comfortable for me but for him I hope more than i. Im very careful you have to be when you co sleep…

He went to the movies for the first time

And his first pic nic and to the catalpa tree…marjorie loved him!!!

Domesticated Goddess

Making dinner….playing in the dirt

Just winding down from the day

Here comes wandering in 4 little neighbor kids

That wanted to see our baby

And eventually made it to the couch and wanted to watch a movie

So we put in the incredibles..

Running through my mind was….wow.. I m really a mom now. DOMESCIATED goddess I have indeed become….

Soon enough our son will be having friends over and there will be all kinds of children running around in our house like today….

Asking a million inquisitive questions…

Whats this and what does it do?

Why do you have this?

Whats wrong with your dog?( I have been asking myself this for a long time)(really nothing hes just crazy)

I love the questions..young minds….

So it dawned on me that wow…..im really a parent…

I have a bunch of kids on my sofa we are all watching a movie and wow, im really content….

Week-7

Week 7

Today we went to the Park for the first time!

Although he was unable to really see much of anything. The air at the rose garden was perfumed with sweet smelling freshly bloomed roses. How sweet!

I do notice the interaction differences between me and daddy.

He usually likes being close to me and nozzling and being rocked and he responds to me more calmly.

He responds to daddy with much more excitement. With giggles ( he giggles for me too) and big smiles and lots of activity. He likes to sit up on his daddy’s knees and gaze into his eyes. He usually doesn’t let me do this. He likes to be close to the breast.

His hair is starting to come in this week.

He cried his first tear this week.

We had to go to the ER for a fever.

This week we have actually been sleeping more. We have a pattern developed. We are up till around 4 or 5 am and if hes tired and ready for bed he will give a certain cry for me to hear and then we will go to bed.

We sleep till around 12 noon get up stretch and play for a little while and go back to sleep for a nap usually a few hours. Sometimes we don’t get up till 5!

trip to th ER

Well tonight my baby boy has been upset most of the night and developed a fever.as being the content happy baby he usually is I was worried. Took his temp and he had a fever,so I called the on call doctor. The doctor said get him in right away to get checked out. Si I called my husband and we met up and headed to th ER, we got there and they looked him over even x rayed him and hes a healthy baby…my thermometer is junk. I cant help it im just a worried mom :}

Observation

As a parent to a young child. A new child to this world. Its seems i have found us trying to “teach” so much trying to say and do the right things to make the best example trying to teach our little ones something that they don’t know. But as im finding all to often our children especially very young children babies teach us EVERYTHING!

Im being taught so much its like wow, all I have to do is lay back and just be myself and this little miracle made from our flesh and blood teaches me that all the things I fret over worry over obsess over, things im afraid of, things that I try and avoid all these things… one look into those tiny eyes. they are not even a memory…

Week-6

Week 6

Wow! The weeks are just flying by… we are getting used to our new lifestyle and sleeping patterns and our everyday day to day activities. It seem like he is just growing so fast!!! Its amazing how big he seems to be compared to when he was first born.

He has developed some little red bumpies on his head I think the detergent on our bed sheets is too much for his sensitive skin. He has not got sick! I hope he stays that way!

As far as his new beautiful antics he is now well for the past week licking everything! Sticking out his tongue and tasting and licking everything. Your skin your clothes what ever he can he thinks its cool. Sticks his tongue out at us! How cute!

When he sneezes he says achew-a how very cute! I just love it

Officially now he has found his hands and loves to suck on his thumb and index finger.

This week he made it to the mall for the first time ever! How fab. Mark it on the calendar first time at the mall….. there were a lot of weird potential psychos yikes … try to avoid those o yea!

My little pea pod is more cute than ever... working onin to the 7th week!

Week 5

We are entering week5 ! wow! Its been 5 weeks already! Cant believe it…how time really flies. Peapod…. That’s what I call my little one he is finally sleeping throughout the night…well mostly thought the night except to wake up and roll over to eat he sleeps rather good. Good thing because I was really getting run down! Im not joking.

He enjoys his baths….when hes really upset his little arms flare out like hes trying to catch himself if he was falling or something. We spend all day together…attachment parenting im positive will make a difference!

Children...angels to this wolrd

Children …their hearts and eyes wide open

Open to the world to the universe

Trust is a part of our natural makeup…why is it we break ourselves down after time

Children help us get so much of ourselves back…all of ourselves back

Showing us the way while we show them the way as well….

Teaching that life is beautiful…showing us what is important and what is just a illusion a waste of our sweet precious time

Theres so much…

For us to reach out touch with our talents our unexplored potential

Our inner flam illuminating even brighter

Going even higher showing the rest of existence that this…what we hold in our hands our own fate

Take it. Make it what you will but dont compare your own progress according to anothers….

For we all will find our own way…

There is trust within

A undying faith that all is perfect where it needs to be

That everything flows to its proper place

Following our bliss where ever that may take us

That this time here is so very precious not to be wasted with such things as envy hate anger disappointment fear and regret.

Week 3 and week 4

Well…during week 3 we were in the process of establishing a sleep pattern. Up still most of the night but slowly tapering off. He grunts a lot during his sleep and even has baby snores! How cute!

His growth spurt is about to take place he never seems to stop eating! Wow! Nursing is a 100% all the time full time job and at times it seems over whelming yet it is very pleasing and I do enjoy every second of our closeness.

Week 4- week four we have established a sleeping pattern. He no longer sleeps in his bassinette wont wont stay still in there. He loves to be close. So we co sleep. I know I have heard of the dangers but I m a light sleeper so everything is beautiful…

We sleep together…he has explored his first outside outings…he closes his little eyes because the sun is so bright for his little new eyes.He LOVES his swing chair…it seems to be one of his favorite things.

He gained a pound from his last doctors check up… getting big!

week-2

I didn’t get to write about week one because my Internet was shut off so I can start writing now. We are in the 2ond week!

Week one he was not to fussy a very quiet baby only fussing or crying if hungry or dirty.

Very peaceful and calm.

Week 2- which is what we are in he still remains to be very peaceful and quiet he lets you know exactly what he needs and wants. He grunts a lot in his sleep and LOVES his swing chair. If nothing else seems to be making him happy his swing chair will always make him calm and content.

I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep. Especially not in large intervals usually through small naps is where I get my sleep. Its not as hard as the first week because im adjusting to my new sleeping patterns.
His little cord fell off this week! allthough it has been seeping its healing.

Week 39

Week 39

So this is the last week before show time… im sooooooooooooooo excited! I can barley wait… not good at waiting sometimes you see.

Doing pretty good thought I was getting sick a few times this week but I pulled thorough it ok…I have had the most energy I have had all pregnancy and I even did yard work today besides taking care of my cats kittens she just had today! yeA!

my prayer...for you my little one

Tears stain my face

Caught in my own shadow

Little one I feel you move in my belly

I feel you

I feel you feel me

I hope I give you the safety you need to feel

Need to have…to survive

Praying for you

That you will be safe from all the paths I traveled upon that has lead me here

I know there is a easier way

Maybe not easy but it doesn’t have to painful or full of struggle

Little one I hope I have not scared you …imprinted you with my own faults

That I work so hard to rid myself from

These human coils

What d I do?

I have came so far… I pray you wont trace the routes I took to find grace

You have it now

You are perfect

You are divine

You are loved

You have to do nothing

You just are……

Little one I wish I was taught this

I wish I would have known … I have wasted so much time

Here I am waiting for you

I hope I make you feel loved.needed and wanted

Something I cant recall from my mother (bio)

I cant recall anything about her… not her eyes

Not her touch

Her scent

Her grace

Her voice

Nothing except that she was not capable of caring for me

I was sent to a family that could. very lucky yet crave …hunger.. to remember

To remember what I will consciously give you

All my love

My devotion

My faith in you in our family

A orphan has her own family now

It is my responsibly to make things right

Im sorry if I haven’t been the best mommy

I feel like I haven’t because of my pregnant emotional instability

I don’t mean to imprint you with anything harmful

You must understand

I do try….

I hope we always get along. always find our love in the midst of any disagreement

I love you.. you were made of love. you are love

week 38-waiting

Been having braxton hicks contraction but still no little bean yet.

Wondering how you are doing in there. Cozy And warm maybe a little too cramped to move a lot.

Little bean our beautiful baby your heart beats to that of the beat of all creation. The sounds of love…

Love vibrations.

We have been painting the kitchen, kinda in preparation of you little bean. Its one of the last rooms to be painted and it was only half painted and now we are finishing. It should be done by the time of your emergence. it’s a Tuscan theme, so bright warm and colorful,beautiful!

So well I thought I may have had you by now…just waiting..the hardest part.

Week 38!

Week 38!

Only two weeks to go till our due date, my cusion had her bay last night we were due around the same time give or take 2 days. So that makes me wonder…hummm.. when are you going to appear little bean?

I have been feeling a lot more “pains” the past day or so, I thought maybe I would go into real labor last night but I didn’t. I have been feeling a lot more activity in the sense of pains and sensations as we call those around here, making every moment something of a mystery because we could have this baby at any moment. Wow!

Tonight I m going to my favorite restaurant in this crummy town the best Japanese restaurant in this area. I cant wait! Although I have been sluffin off my all fruit diet this past week I have been eating a lot of rice! I have been craving wild rice.

I only have a few more weeks or when ever the baby is born I can go to a all raw all healthy diet, as it is quite hard to do pregnant and it seems I don’t want to deplete the baby as I may do to myself form my normal diet patterns.

Im not to worried I guess I really didn’t gain that much weight I guess I didn’t realize how much weight you carry that is water when you are pregnant. A lot! I will soon be back to my normal size of Zero I m thinking in about 2 months tops.i have to give my uterus time to back to its normal shape and then I will be good to go!

Last few moments

Sitting here with the realization that these are in fact the last few moments of being so very ripe with baby as our due date is only 2 weeks away.

This journey from the beginning has been nothing short from a miracle.

The creation of new life with in the life force field of another the ability to carry life within your own body.

There are so many things I wonder about … being a parent. An enlightened parent one that is conscious of every detail and its possible effect on such a young fragile psyche. This journey is also one of self healing. Yes the parent teaches but so does this beautiful new spiritual creature full of light and love and yes, wisdom.
From the moment I found out I was with child I have been trying my very best to patch up my loose fragmented pieces of self, tie off loose ends of my belief systems and getting myself prepared and becoming a whole individual for myself yes , and yes for my family. In order to have a whole family it is crucial to have your self whole, in your entirety. With out a whole self there is nothing else, nothing that can or will satisfy nothing will suffice. This journey has been beautiful and I have enjoyed it but this to is coming to and end but also with this end we will be beginning our life long relationship to each other and will exist as two beings. You have been within my body for 9 months little bean, depending on me to make the right decisions for both of us, never again will you be connected within my body as you are now and I cherish every moment. Your life will be beautiful and full of love you are forever free to choose the path that is right for your spirit to grow and learn and above all remain free.

Dear Little Bean-Week 37

Dear little bean,

Week 37

I feel that you are close to being on your way out of your warm cozy womb environment.

It could just be wishful thinking but maybe you will be coming out soon! So as of now you did finally get everything you needed! Except a bedside sleeper which we don’t need for like a month or so until you grow out of your bassinette, you have a groovy crib but its not upstairs and we need to have one that is close to us!

So the time is coming and I feel it ever so slowing the reality of being a parent sinks in my very pregnant skin.

I feel so much more alive there is so much to look forward too. Though it has been a bit rough and bumpy along this road pregnancy is not always easy nor delightful on the level of comfort. Although defiantly worth it totally just still uncomfortable.

There are so many delightful things that we all are going to do together I just cant wait!

You have a busy first year planned out too, you are going to go to Minnesota, Michigan lake and south Carolina for your trips this year among other things that are o so much fun. A traveling little baby you will be. We love you very much and cant wait to meet you and hold you in our arms!

Week37-Full term

So we are in week 37 now , yesterday was not exactly my best day but I did come out of the situation on top. Some days you are so weak that all you can do is literally stay I bed, because you have no energy, you have all the mental energy enough to move objects and bend spoons but not enough to do anything but rest. Some days that drives me mad. Being an Aries mama that’s a toughie…. resting. Slowing down. (Yuck ) anyways week 37 is considered a full term baby now :)

But I have found myself little bean trying to connect with you more and more

The last few days it seemed you were resting too but your back to your normal active lifestyle in there. Although you cant do much because I know your really cramped!

So I have the birth plans all set, written out and posted up in my birthing room in my house. What to do if… on and on. So this weekend is set up weekend. We have almost all of our supplies for the birth and now all we have to do is WAIT!

Waiting… ahhh.. Another weakness of mine, I m not very good at waiting. But I m leaning fast!

I had some weird dreams last night

1^st dream:

I was in our kitchen ( it was ours but not you know the game in dreams)

And I was hanging out with Bono from U2 and we were listening to the radio and this Elton John cover song came on and he seemed to really enjoy it(Bono) and so we are just hanging out talking about our baby. Then our baby kicks so hard that its foot almost comes out of my skin, it stretches so far its gonna pop my skin! We had to push it back in!

2^nd dream

I was driving somewhere I ended up laying down on this bed I had our baby! It wasn’t a normal birth I just pulled it out of me. The baby was flat like a pancake and frozen. I had to pump air into it and defrost it! ( this is creepy) our baby was totally frozen and I kept it in my purse until it defrosted and then I went to nurse it I looked and it didn’t really look like a baby, a shapesifter! Yikes!

3^rd dream

My family was at my grandfather house in new haven and we were out in the lawn where I used to pick lawn violets when I was a little girl. My dad,john,mom everyone was there. All of a sudden here comes like this giant plane a fighterpalne or something and its bombing us and we had to hide underneath this big giant black thing and as all the debris is flying by a lot of my child hood goes past my eyes and scrappy was in my arms too! ( my 1^st pet ever)

I had this dream twice in the same day just slightly different

Are We There Yet?

Are we there yet? I ask myself so hastily. The end of pregnancy is like a road trip across country and you are almost to your destination about 100 miles left and you start to feel unbearably uncomfortable and fidgety like you want to get out of the vehicle now!
I hate to bitch about it but im gonna, im so uncomfortable I can barley stand it , I f I was a selfish person I would induce my own labor myself ( I know how) but that’s not really fair I guess. I just want to start my life a new get this extra weight off and be able to bend over again. I feel really confined because I cant leave the house because Im fairly weak and tired once I do go out I have to go right back home or I have to call to get picked up because I cant drive because im to uncomfortable or dizzy or just neurotic. I cant even paint!because i cant bend over to paint :( god thats sad.
I just wish I could have our baby very soon if not now! I cant go another three more weeks I think I will go crazy.

Week-36 Got My Ring Cut OFF!

Today has been to say the least interesting…

My fingers began to swell last night and my ring finger was feeling bad as my ring was getting tighter, by morning I awoke to find that my ring would not come of after using every trick, Egyptian magic, grapeseed oil, Vaseline intensive care, a ribbon underneath to help feed the skin through Windex, god what didn’t we try? Lol.

So after my normal coursing on a Wednesday I decide to come home to rest although my finger by now is raw and close to bleeding. I cant sleep because the ring is so thigh my finger is getting circulation but its close to cutting the circulation off.

Now we all know I m afraid of hospitals (birth trauma) and I deiced I had to go! Yikes!

So I got my ring cut off my finger, I will get it fixed soon after the baby is born, because I cant wear it now, or any rings for that matter.

As we are waiting to get the ring cut off some stupid doctor comes by and jonny asks him if we could listen to the babys heart beat with his stethoscope and he claims we would not hear it, although that stupid crappy fetal heartbeat listener thingy worked one time a long item ago and he says well you wont be able to hear it. What a lie. Anyways and continues to ask probing questions. Who’s your ob doctor?

I say I have choose alternative medicine, well who’s your doctor he asks? Its like why what business is it of your to ask? Are you on prenatal? Like I m some kind of ignorant person. I told him I have a midwife (me so to say because I have been doing my own care).Anyways what an asshole.

Week 36 is nearing in on its last few days and soon our baby, little bean will be considered full term at 37 weeks. Anytime now.I have been trying to get everything together, tomorrow we are getting the rest of our birth supplies and its just time to rest and wait.Wait for you little one to make your gand entrance.

There are so many things that are going to change and I realize this and I welcome this transition this major change within and without myself.