6am self loathing

(awake at 6am, nothing to do,hungry and cant eat...nothing sounds good.tired but not tired anough to sleep,still dont have enough energy to do much of anything,feeling moody,wondering what its like to be normal again ,normal thats funny i know! i guess what i meant to say is... to feel good again and to me a mommy)

I can barley see the light creeping up on the horizon.

In my jammies and they don’t fit very well, not right now anyways.

I m awake everyday at this time it seems and I m up for a few hours doing the same thing. Sitting here wondering why the hell I cant sleep!!!

O yes I know its my new transition. I guess its like I feel like for 8 months I have been saying “|I m pregnant” yes I am very pregnant but now I am so much closer to being a MOM. There are so many transitions and I feel like I m ready for them and sometimes just anxious and impatient and want to hold my baby! Done with being pregnant, cant walk very well, eating too much cant poop easily, very temperamental and moody, unpredictable and tired not to mention, achy, heartburn, nosebleeds, leg cramps foot cramps an dim sure a 100 other things to complain about. Give me a break its 6 am and I m self-loathing. Feels good for the moment and if the moment is all we’ve got than well I m doing ok.
I hear trains and a few birds outside my window. Our baby is very low it seems so much closer than I think or maybe I m having wishful thinking. Its not I don’t love or baby being inside of my womb I m just as ready as baby to be comfy and start our loves together.

I know im pregnant but I still feel fat (sigh)

Cant sleep week 35

The closer the due date the further it seems.

The last few weeks of pregnancy for me has been full of sleepless nights and sleeping all day long and really readjusting to some new pattern that is taking place.

It doesn’t make it any easier, I lay awake wondering how motherhood will be and even more I m wondering how other people will react, not that I care about their reactions but more so how will I deal with all the opposition I think I may find?

I ve been trying to get everything put together, diapers in every main room I spend time in, toys washed up and put away, clothes washed and neatly put away, the bassinet ready to go and all that good stuff. This next week is the week for labor prep.

All my major labor items such as herbal compresses and herbal ice chips and aromatherapy picked out, new candles and the list goes on.

I have been worrying I have to admit, I m awake a lot now in the morning and I cant sleep and its rather bothersome.

Hombirth vs. Hospital

Isn’t ist lovely when we have uninformed people trying to discuss homebirth?
God,it’s a nightmare. Truly it is. These conservative blind people just go with whatever they a re told , they don’t ask questions or even question the structure the nature of the medical establishment.
I have never felt so strongly about another subject in my entire life. Homebirth, the right to choose a birth without violence.
A hospital seems to me the worse possible way to give birth the most violent and disrespectful to life itself. As long as you are not huge risk and everything is smooth along the way then everything should be fine.
There are people (including my family) that don’t believe in the power of listening to your body, to going within and trusting the body and more so trusting your baby! That the birthing experience will be beautiful and wonderful. It’s a matter of trust.
We can sit around and conjure up a million what ifs and live in fear or we can accept the reality what might happen and accept the realty the more than likely things will be beautiful and there is nothing to worry about. Living in fear makes fearful events, not wholesome experiences.
There people need to understand the fact of the matter, birth is natural and it will remain natural. A hospital is not natural and is not for us. This establishment is not set up for us to be magical natural beings that are having life emerging through us , instead we are dumb women that are having a baby so be prepared for an emergency and then we will tell her how to feed, and hold herown baby! Now, wait a damn second here, hospitals can go to hell as far as im concerned. There is a time and place for a hospital injury and sickness and emergency but not a beautiful birth!

Mornings

Mornings

I have never been a “morning” person which I think is a major part why I did not survive in school mainly because it was held in the morning. I wake up in the morning even after going to bed early I wake up with a instant headache, my eyes barely want to open and I usually get a tremendous stomach ache. Im 100% nocturnal, and that’s just my natural flow. Mt prime hours are between 12:oo midnight and 5 am.
They always say “ well you will get USED to being up in the morning when you have children” I guess I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean.
Its not something you can get USED to if it goes against your natural rhythms.
They say it wrong, lack of proper communication.
I have been noticing that the closer I am to our due date which is in a couple weeks I have been slowly changing. My sleep patterns about 3 or 4 hours of sleep with a little bit of awake time and off to sleep again. Mainly sleeping during the day and awake from 12:oo midnight to 8 am. give or take. The whole idea is that there is a ebb and flow to it all. Making it more apparent that we should not live on schedules, they are not healthy. Because our need for sleep and well anything in general changes from time to time.
That there is something taking place. I m NOT getting USED to mornings, I am on the other hand awake more in the mornings and able to open my eyes no headache or tummy ache .its my body preparing for this wonderful baby!
I will never be a “morning” person, no matter what that’s just the way it is, the sun rises every morning and I will always remain and child of the night, belonging to the moon.

Week 35-Baby Shower

Little bean,
We had such a busy day today. Today was your first baby shower and next week your other grandma tena is having a party for you too!
You got some really cute stuff, including clothes and lots of booties. So many people came I would say 30 people, very excited about your arrival. But not as excited as us!
5 weeks left! You cold be born anytime now up to 5 more weeks. So now its like a mystery, because I don’t know when you will decide to come out. I would say not too early I think but maybe just a little.
35 weeks. The safe zone. Ah…. What a relief, if you come out anytime now we don’t have to go to the hospital! Still remaining to eat a lot of fruit, my main food right now.
Melons, apples, grapes and anything sweet and yummy.
you almost have what you need now by next week im sure you will!