November 1st to October 9th

November 1st, 2005

anyways so my kicks are getting stronger and more noticale and i find it beauitful to feel such movement.
today is all souls night and it feels like it , the veail is thin and i feel connected to the other side grovvy hunh?
i cooked up a feast for us today and it was yummy over the weekend we attented a party at a friend of mines house and there were so amny people i have not seen in years but out of this came some reealizations other wise i would have been missing out on. just the lameness of the people i know and what their standards for fun really is and how drinking seems to be the biggest thing on everyones list and why was i ever envolved with such loosers? yikes! anyways.
we felt above them all hahahah!!!!
anyways our babyim sure is going to love halloween but going to try to cut the limit of candy well going to try the no candy thing and use otehr methods of yummy ness rather than ickky food.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 07:28 am care to comment

October 28th, 2005
so it is
So it is, another year has came around again. Leading us to Halloween Shamin the Celtic New Year. A time of remberance and reflection within ourselves of what come to pass and what is yet to be. My favorite time of year , the leaves of the summer Turing to a burnt orange and bright buttercup yellows. The air crisp and chilled with winters arrival.
Time to look back not in regret but in respect to the path that we have chosen to follow and to cart our growth. Evolution.

My tummy is growing now enough for even strangers to suspect that Im pregnant and ripe.I have just exited a not so good diet,well it wasn’t horrible but bad enough not to record.
I have been craving healthy food once again. I was kind of not even interested in any raw food for a while I couldn’t eat it. Now again its what I prefer.
I made homemade celery soup (soy) yesterday and it was so yummy today I ate Mexican food ok not so healthy considering most Latinos are very over weight but it was yummy.
My leg cramps are out of control and quite painful.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 10:01 am care to comment

October 27th, 2005
insisting parents

this is what our baby looks like now.
So I find this amazing,truly. So so parents just naturally think because you and your mate are having a baby that they are automatically up on your list or something? Like to them that means that they will see their “grandchildren” and stuff a lot. Actually no, think again, this is how its gonna be just like this. You want nothing to do with me and my life because you disagree with the ways I have chosen to live and raise my child so then you think it gives you reason to see us more. Absolutely not! Especially after this kind of treatment our child WILL not be in or around a aggressive negative confrontational environment like I was raised in. why whole I subject our child to what I have been my whole life trying to heal myself from? Not going to happen!
Posted by ripewithbaby at 08:04 am care to comment
October 22nd, 2005
gloomy day
Today was so gloomy no sun just rain and clouds but I really enjoyed it.
Do you remember that song “the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon”? we sang that song in 3rd grade I never understood the meaning of that song I guess when your young you don’t. the story is about a a son and a father . the son growing up and grower further away from his father. His father wants to reach out but by the end of the story the son had grown up and they never had the time.
It seems like forever I have been trying to fix me and my parents relationship but like this son instead of the son never having time or having the realization that his father just wanted to connect. My parents never have the time. Never had the time.
Not that it matters but it hurts. You go out of your way to mend or try and get time back that you lost when you were young and from the other there is no interest. ( sigh)
Went shopping today J I ate at red lobster today and I must say their food is so typical of a corporate establishment, bland and tasteless. Its hard to find a good restaurant in this town especially when all you want is veggie dishes.
I cleaned so much today I did too much today im tired.
I cut my hair the other day because im growing my hair out. I know what a contradiction actually it was to even everything up and all one length Jim very happy with it

Anyways so I started my own business selling Organic Natural Botanical Makeup and skin care products as well as self care. Its not like crappy Avon I used to sellAvon buts it not really your business your just someone else’s bitch with Avon.anyways. so I invested and I m making this my own and im going to the mall I think? Just a little spot . and because im not desperate for money I seem to find more joy in this than vs. being totally broke and needy. You know.?..
Fridays suck.i mean I really don’t care for them all too much. My lovely is gone selling pizza all day and I miss him.our home looks so beautiful. Its really coming together now , it has taken a while like things usually do but all the pieces in place.
We are going to re paint the nursery but we are going to find out what we are having I think girl but I just want a healthy loving child. That’s all a parent could ask for.
Whibleton is a poop monster. My little puppy (minnypinny) we just got him like 2 weeks ago loves to poop everywhere eek. Its gross. I think im going to buy him puppy bloomers!
Im gonna rest ,chow
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:37 pm 1 comments

October 21st, 2005
crashing

So now my pregnancy, each day it get a little bit more harder to keep myself and hold myself together. The hormones are raging and I seem to be out of control randomly. I know whats happening and I cant seem to help it its really like riding a roller coaster or surfing. You ride the wave take it where it leads but don’t struggle in the wave or you will surly drown. Its not really that bad ok I guees it is during that time but its still over whelming.
Anyways…My dogs get on my nerves sometimes so much! Grrr. Begging for a pregnant persons food. What kind of weird o does that?lol. they are constantly needy drinking out of toilets chews up my plants crapping randomly animal filth. Eeek! They really annoy me totally!



Yum food has been good to me now im long since past the morning sickness of the first tri mester I can eat J and my appetite is monstrous.
I was under weight before I was pregnant(99 pounds) so now my weight gain is not even where im supposed to be. J loosing weight wont be bad because I will look fabulous anyway!
Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:55 am 1 comments

October 19th, 2005
little one

Dear little bean,

My thoughts waltz through my mind today like the burgundy and orange tinted leaves slowly making their way across the street.

An autumn day upon us here and gone so fast.

Just as time usually does ,being almost half way through little bean soon enough we shall meet. And we will be a family all together.

Everyday it seems little one I see so much surfacing. I guess I never even scratched the surface.

I remember when earlier this year my life seemed to fall apart at the seams. Every single thing was falling and crashing down. NO structure, no balance, no safety net. Little one I must tell you your mamma wasn’t sure that she was going to make it. There was much I must say I have to tell.

There I was in a state thousands of miles away from any familiarity and stranded. Alone, sacred and desperate to find a way to live. When you choose to stop listening to your self, when you stop doing things that you please and become a self made slave you have nothing. You have to start over. With nothing but the truth facing you. Nothing to fear little one, really there is nothing to fear. Don’t ever forget the joy within your heart. Things happen in life sometimes we have no explanation for and sometimes it leaves our heart feeling empty and even broken. You little bean you shall never be broken always keep that love in your heart. The wonder in your eyes and the light within your spirit.

How I love you.

My prayers were answered when I let go. When I didn’t care when I jumped off the cliff with out looking what was below. Trusting that like cats I would not only land on my feet but somewhere wonderful.
regrets are a waste of time
There is nothing that leaves your life for no reason,when people or things leave its only because the promised law is that something better is on its way.it may not be in one day or one year but little bean never give your faith up for nothing. Because sometimes little one faith is all we seem to have.all along the way to where I am today I have waited prayed and hoped many endless moons for the light at the end of the tunnel.


Little one we are the light. I must say sometimes I do get caught up even still after everything. I can not lie. It is the truth the reality of my experience
Posted by ripewithbaby at 08:55 am care to comment

October 13th, 2005
whimbleton
Because I have not been writing exactly everyday anymore I have not spoke of love in a while.In a world of corruption it seems love is the only thing that is really real.
Yesterday we got the puppy I have been wanting for years it seems. Finally in my arms. Kind of like the longing for your unborn child but yet patiently waiting.
I was thinking about another kind but I really don’t like bugged eyes . eek! I got a minny pinny J a little boy named …. Whimbleton that’s Ambassador Whimbleton to you.
It brings my heart do much joy and my heart chakra loves it. Opening so wide and shining. Hes such a cuddle bug and buttercup seems to enjoy his company.
he is so very precious and nice to sleep next to cuddled inbetwee you and the pillow. This is going to be a pampered baby. hes so... tiny!
i love him so much. i really have to thank my husbund for being so soupportive and willing to have another pup.
john is so lovely. making everyday more meaningful and worth every breath.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 10:52 am care to comment

to the point
When was it acceptable to make your own family feel full of guilt pointing out certain individuals in that family placing blame and guilt trips to try and please everyone except the most very important person your self?



I hear ,o your grandparents will drop over dead with a heart attack when they find out what you are doing. O well ...Well great i say, there is nothing that I haven’t already done , and this will shock everyone? Because I choose to do the best thing for my health and my child?
I do care , and that why I have choose what I have.
Since when have I shocked anyone?
OMG that’s the funniest thing I have heard or said all day!
Give me a break , seriously.
It still does not take away from the fact my parents have never been supportive and only had the desire to control not to console .
There was a time for the pain and turbulence I experienced in my time with my parents and much was learned out of it. I think for those reasons, for the wisdom that I pulled out of it.
Breaking karma. Freeing ourselves from the negative ties that held us to any negative person or situation.



Its amazing I see the pattern run over and over again in this family. Struggling for power because no personal power is owned or even understood only envied and feared.
Everyone want to be a part of this child birth and its like they think that some how they really are connected to this child.



Why would I choose to place my very own flesh and blood in the same environments that enslaved and jaded my impressionable fragile childhood?
Taken years and still working through the mess.
The sad truth of the matter is that we are the parents. We are no longer held under by parents that are more like dictators than role models.
Given the opportunity to free and break the cycle of ignorance and poverty on every level.



I sill find m self angry. That my parents still don’t understand me and all I ve ever done was give them the chance to watch me shine.
There really is no common ground.
I have always sought my self through the lies that they built around me. Never settling for the “simple” life and simplemindedness that they choose to participate in.



So I have been trying to mend the broken bridges of my me and my parents relationship
Consistently for 2 years, and I feel I have got no where. Not any further than from where I began.



This is important , because many valuable lessons are being poured from this.
In preparation for parenthood these issues I feel must be resolved and let go. Thats why its so important. So there is no distortion in raising our baby because of our own childhood wounds. Being pregnant really makes these things surface, face to face all your own hidden wounds.
It wouldn’t matter so much to me if I wouldn’t have put so much of myself into mending so many broken ties to my family. I guess the average person does not know the story between us. 4 Years ago I was ready to sue my parents and take them for everything we didn’t take for a few years in a bitter silence and court dates.
Im not attached to my parents or even slightly care what they think. It is so wonderful when you have family that has your back.
This time there are so many things more important than proving a point its about settling the score and letting go.
Our child is coming over to this side and there is no more time for bitterness and shallow regrets.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 10:16 am care to comment

October 9th, 2005
minor rambles
So I m being flooded with words and visions of splendor that fill me with colors and life.
Reassuring that all these trails will surly come to pass.
I like to feel the coldness o the house slowly melt away with the heat pouring out warming my cold gooses pimply skin chilled by the autumn night. early in the morning and wide eyed 1 am .
My love has worked very hard all week and I ve been missing him. I have so many plans for our family and our future.
There is nothing more splendid than creating a family
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:50 pm care to comment