September 7th to August 24th

September 7th, 2005
ghosts seeping through

How can forget the letters that were never sent to me?
Or all the many times people just walked on by
With out a care in the world for the reasons why I wascrying for help
broken promises scattered through out my heart
I m picking up the pieces
I disgrace my past and all it has left me
It holds nothing for me
Not even a glimpse of a reminder of what I was that I mtrying to forget
I shall not immortalize my pain or my past in writing allthat I have experienced
It becomes enslaving. a salve to your past written foreverdocumented for all to read
Your mistakes ,your joys and greatest pains.
Self analyzing allexperiences and phases of life. I see the importance in this very much so.
How can some look back to the very details of their life andcomfortable enough to write about every lover and ever experience.
Not that I have shame or any regret but it seems what’s deadis dead and I leave it at that.
Although I wish no harm to previous lovers I find nostanding on going love for them. Compassion as for any human or any being atthat.
But not a fascination or a soft spot in my heart for them.No. when I m done in I m done. Its like not a grudge for what has been done to me that has happened but more like Ihave learned all they could teach me and ll I could teach and that’s it. Nomerits no medals no pedestals I put them on.
Maybe this is a problem but I think not. Detachment is verynecessary to all things.
I fell that I have things that im trying to work on but itsdifficult to let go.
My feelings on ex’es are well bitter to be honest because mepersonally I feel no need for extended contact when what’s done is done nofriendship no contact what so ever. Theres no point.
Why? One may ask. Well you see you cant go backwards withsome one especially if you intimate with someone you really cant ever just befriends I don’t care what they say. When your with some one and it doesn’t workout no chemistry or not enough or the wrong chemistry or just a plain boringperson. Or different interests that clash different soul evolution levels allof this comes into play. My whole outlook is this. You had your time with me tolearn and share , you blew it . or its just not meant to be meaning its notever going to work in this life orever. Ok I m done pack up and leave you all your memories and mementos behindburning in the cauldron of regeneration.

When your married you build your world around your mate.That’s the whole point. The union of true soulmates. eliminating all influencesof others. I see no need for me to still contact my previous lovers itsdisrespectful to my mate and myself. I felt it was necessary touch base on howI feel about friendship.
Friends are great especially when your bored. I guess when youryounger you put more stock into your friendships they seem to mean a hell of alot more then they do when your older. I guess I find myself and have for a verylong time my own best friend and really don’t feel its necessary reach out to outsideforces as I once did to fill my need for connection because I connect to my ownbeing really that’s what we always longed for anyways.
I love the friends I have and appreciate them its just feel itsno longer needed to need them as I once did.
Especially that im married everything has changed my need forfriends has decreased. because my mate is my best friend besides myself and we haveour own world built no need for outside forces to complete me or entertain me.

And what does this have to do with pregnancy well actually alot I guess. Because all of these issues are finding ther way out of me and comingto rest. The friendship I have with myself and my husband is the most importantfriendship there is especially in raising a child together as soulmates bestfriends and lovers bound to one another verses a family that is split apart.I feel like I shoulnt care about the things I fret over.And I guess none of it matters.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 02:21 am care to comment
September 3rd, 2005
Anti conventional medicine
Im so fired up right now my skin is red and im about to grow a tail with spikes and im breathing fire. So it is time to get a ultra sound we are 10 weeks tomorrow and we want to see our child. I went to the doctors offficeI just said went to the doctors office talked to a snotty nurse that was a complete bitch. I said yes I just want to make a appointment for a ultra sound. She says: “ a ultra sound… for what? Why do you need one?” I said what do you mean why do I need one duh im pregnant I want to see my baby that’s why” well we don’t do ultra sounds and you have to have a doctors order and your family doctor does not do pregnancies. I ask so where do I go to get a ultra sound? Well you have to have your gyno set you up a appointment. Well I don’t use conventional medicine. O alternative medicine she says. Yes alternative medicine.
I call planed parent hood some girl answers and she sounds like she’s 12 a immature squeaky annoying voice and says ultrasound nope we don’t. well do you know where I can get one? Nope I don’t.



I just cant believe this I just want a freaking ultra sound. This whole system is warped and twisted. I cant have a ultra sound unless they strip me of my dignity and slef preservation and prod we with needles and pokey thingys.
Im so irritated
Posted by ripewithbaby at 04:36 am care to comment

September 1st, 2005

new orleans chaos
Ok so my everyday activities are not really that active. Lol. Being pregnant I have been so extremely tired that it really leans me not much time to do much else. I just have a strong will to sleep. I have been fro the most part really good with out a lot of sudden mood swings minus a few.
I feel like I have a gigantic responsibility to provide the best and only best for our young one. Finically I know we will be ok I just find the stress of money heavy sometimes upon my shoulders. My husband works so hard and I m really amazed by his strong work ethnic . I try to work just as hard building our nest.
There really are so many things that we plan on introducing to our child.

Here soon I plan on getting Mozart and hooking up the speakers and giving our baby the joy of listening to wonderfully powerful music that I myself love dearly.
Reading books that are important to me and that heave helped me along my path. I plan to build a strong spiritual structure around our child. Natural magic as well as with the power of the mind and focus. Spells… well this word scares people its really the same as a prayer but it just incorporates all of our senses in the act of praying and centering our energies. Maybe not making the association that what I m teaching is “witchcraft” to save ourselves the ridicule and speculation from on lookers. But I think it will be fun to make simple spells that a young child would enjoy greatly. To teach the importance of the connection to the earth , to our inner divinity to spirit and incorporating the power of focus and the mind.
I have studies many other spiritualities that I find of importance and plan to incorporate them all into one complete realization of divinity and life leaving it open for speculation for our child when he/she grows old enough to decide what path to follow or what to call it.
So I have been eating apples, blueberries, nectarines , plums and black berries a full bowl this morning (my morning was 2 pm) and the same fruits last night before bed time. We made stuffed peppers with yummy rice last night. Tonight I had oven roasted potatoes.

Yea I had to write a little about nola (new OrleansLouisiana ) just because I have lived there in the past and still hold a connection to it. Any ways.. the devastation is really horrible and amazing that everything in the French quarter is wiped out they showed that there were dolphins in peoples pools there are alligators and sharks now coming in from the ocean water flooding the streets. Its really mind blowing. I keep all those people in my best thoughts and prayers. Especially all those who are too poor to have got out of there especially in the projects some of those people don’t even have shoes let alone a car. I lived a few blocks once from one of the worst projects in nola and saw on a a first hand experience the poverty there. It was a very saddening sight to see. Because you just want to help but you never know how. in a place likenew Orleans where the alot of the people are very wealthy leaving it hard for the normal folk to survive and especially the very poor. Most of the dead that are floating in the what was streets of the quarter are the people that have been living in desperate poverty.

I find it kind of funny that all the luders that are wreaking havoc in nola that are stealing all kinds of electronic equipment and really useless items in a time like this. These people don’t have homes where are they planning to keep these things. No one will buy it no one has a use for it. Raw sewage and oil floating on the running water through the city the sharks and alligators im sure wile at the rotting flesh helping take care of the dead but making it impossible to properly count all the causalities .

Now I know that this really has nothing to do with pregnancy but it was bothering me I feel better.

Gas prices are ridiculous . so now were using our reserves. Ok I don’t know what to say except when I lived incali gas was usually 3.50 a gallon so at least we don’t live incali so at least here we have low prices most of time.

Im not going to clutter my writing with bickering. But I feel better because of it.
More on my art. I guess I haven’t really touched base on my art yet. I know the path in which I m taking my art and I know it can only get better especially if I paint everyday.
Its just sometimes I don’t feel as inspired as I could be. But I m excited because I cant wait to see what’s to come.
So im taking it to enchanted art. Enchanted scenes and worlds.
whew i wrote alot now im gonna go casue me and my mother just made spice cookies and im hungry (imigane that) till next time chow
Posted by ripewithbaby at 09:05 am care to comment
August 30th, 2005
blueberries and honey
Today I woke up around 2ish and went back to sleep around 3 and woke up around 6pm
Yea these days pregnancy really tires me. Im hungry all the time but I eat healthy so I know I wont really gain much un needed weight because its all so good for me.

Today I started on a new painting and im really happy with it,I have found a new styl of painting that really enjoy and im going to perfect it. Being pregnant really makes me feel much more creative when I have the energy. Scrapbooking is also really fun but it seems im always tired.

I have a few altars ( what pagan wouldn’t) and I do my daily devotionals and I have a spical candle for our child that I light every night in conscious awareness of this tiny being growing and evolving deep in my belly. This candle is charged with love and excitement for our child arrival. A simple ritual and thanks to the creative force that lies within. And for the miracle of life.

I ate French toast mashed potatoes and gravy green goodness orange juice some really good celery tomato garlic juice fresh from the juicer and yellow bell peppers and pasticcios and blueberries and red raspberries drenched in pure honey.

I try and sleep on my let side so give maximum blood flow to our baby I hate sleeping on my back and tummy I usually sleep on my sides anyways in fetal position so its not a huge adjustment.
I know recently I really don’t have much to say besides my daily details but im not sure what to say that is of importance.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 02:43 pm care to comment

August 29th, 2005

yummy food
Today I finally ate the Spanish food I wanted. Veggie chimmy,veggie enchalads,veggie tostadas, re fried beans and rice so yummy. Blueberries and honey. J
Anyways I woke up around usual time 1 ish pm that is. J we had a beautiful day.
My dearest husband changed my oil and his oil and we had a fun day together like every other day . anyways.
Yea so ive been so tired I took a nap today for about 2hours and its time for bed casue im draggin.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:12 pm care to comment

August 28th, 2005

a litte rant
A little ranting to do.
Well you know I hate when people talk to you like your somekind of indolent moron .
Older people especially seem to have this complex for some reason because their “older” like that means something.
Maybe back in the days when elders actually had something to show for. Wisdom and a spirit full of magic taken from every experience a body well taken care of and a heart very kind and compassionate.
Our elders for the most part are none of these things. Fat ,lazy, fed on garbage mentally psychically and spiritually polluted by lies and fear that our society pumps into them and they buy it. Nothing to look up to if I might say for myself.
So don’t treat me like I don’t get it. Or “someday you will learn your having a child” so that takes one out of the elite knowledge bracket or something? To “someday” don’t underestimate me obviously you haven’t a clue.
Im full of love.
i have compassion for others that are less evolved and newer to existence yes I do but there is a line …the line is past a certain point compassion need not get mistaken for being a door mat being walked all over because you tolerate their lack of comprehension.
I don’t think so . older people do im sure mean well but they do not understand and its not my job to make them understand except by living the only way I can that is by following my heart and spirit to where I need to be taken.




Posted by ripewithbaby at 08:24 am care to comment
August 27th, 2005
im always tired.always
Today I have been especially tired. yesterday me and my husband slept about 15 hours. I woke up at like 5 pm I did get up before that but then we decided to sleep some more. Yum I love sleep. Anyways.
My husband has been taking extra special care of me and I really appreciate all his efforts
Mentally, psychically and spiritually.
Always making sure I know that im beautiful and loved. How so very important. Especially now that I m carrying our child.
He is my world my universe. Having our own family . just us. This so beautiful.
Nothing else matters but our love. And the love for our child.
Today im tired it seems that’s all I am these days tired… and nauseous. But that’s ok. I ve been trying to stay conscious of you little bean. Sometimes I get caught up with my own stuff I forget to say hi and let you know I know your so fragile and loving. Hopefully next week we will get to see you with a ultrasound. Im excited. Anyways its nap time for me.
i went and got art and carfts supplies and spent over my limit i really didnt mean too. i bought clay for altar decorations and rubber stamps.
i started my preganacy scap book tonight. i ate some pasta with gound up brocolli peas and beans with yummy sauce but it was gross. i think casue the texture was to similar to hamburger which makes me wanna chunk. lol. o my. so i threw it out. i ate fresh corn and a spnich salad. apples and honey mustard.
Ok lets see here my food cravings have not yet been to extreme.
2 weeks ago I wanted ranch dressing on everything.
I always want potatoes .
I loved carrots and carrot juice 2 weeks ago the word carrot made me dry heave. Last week mush rooms made me sick they still do apparently my stomach turns thinking about their flavor and nasty texture when cooked. Ick! L
Chinese food a few days ago. I want Spanish food but im anti dairy


Posted by ripewithbaby at 02:05 am care to comment

August 25th, 2005

wednesday
Today I do feel much better.yea J I woke up early for me which is around 11 am .hunh. I that’s weird me getting up before noon. So then me and my gorgeous husband hung out and then we went to babbies r us to get the furniture we ordered in. a Armor and changing table we all ready have the crib. So now all we have to do is paint the room. Get new carpet and a new ceiling fan. Anyways. I fell asleep around 1 and woke up around 5 so I guess I woke up early just to say I did to go back to sleep. Im always so tired but I feel good.
Im craving Chinese food and all I ate was crystallized ginger not very much cause its potent stuff. Although I LOVE to eat raw garlic cloves and that is yum and apple cider vinegar straight with out cutting it with water .the more intensity the better. Right now my latest love affair with food is pistachios taken over my old love for cheese.
No dairy . I cant handle it anymore honestly it makes me feel so sick and my nose drains and makes me feel slimy. so no cheese I hate cows milk never have liked it .
So we are going to make all home made foods. I m getting into the habit right now. Because I don’t want to feed our child canned junk or any junk. Home made with love. i think that’s the best. Yea it takes time but its worth it.
Yea so that’s what’s going on in my head today.
Tired and hungry. Not much new.
Im always hungry. I know that im gonna be one hot mamma after I have our child even better than before I was pregnant. Just watch. The envy of all. Hahahaha.
Fabulously succulent and wild and no one can stop me.
Little one. How are you doing today?
I wonder what it must feel like in there…
Comfy. the sounds must be weird.all muffled and distorted kinda like being under water.
So now our baby can look at its hands and legs and can move around a little.
well now argung with parents about home birth time to GO. im out.
The fate of my day dramatically changed in a matter of like 2 minutes after I posted my entry for today. I went to my folks house and when I arrived there was no one home I felt like going out for Chinese or going some where to be together. My mom came home and was in a unusual bad mood.



But I tried to explain to her that I tried to call the doctor and she really got shitty with me and then started on the rampage of me going to the hospitable. So that’s it I m not going over there till she grows up. I don’t really care how long it takes but I m done.
No more.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 05:44 am care to comment

August 24th, 2005
thoughts on birth


Recently my moods have been kind of stable but more less in flux with irritation and sadness, sometimes. Hormones on a rampage. my belly is big now. Well to me it is the biggest I have EVER seen it, like wow there’s a little one in there as of now able to move its arms and legs and move in my womb. my 9th week starts on Saturday, soon I can a ultrasound. I have been talking to some women on this natural birth site that allows you to chat and use the message boards to get some very usefull info. Some women don’t even get ultrasounds now I know that there is a potential that some damage can be done by the waves but I cant wait to see our little one.
So then I have decided that most defiantly im doing a home birth. There really was not a doubt in my mind that that was what I wanted. I knew I wanted a home birth before I was pregnant. mothers…goddess bless their worried hearts but god….help them, to understand.



Mothers pressure
I do know that my mother does mean well, well intentions but she is trying to pressure me into a conventional birth. I m a gown woman and I chose the life I live and all its details and I have the choice to choose what kind of birth I want. Its not that I care what she thinks but I see my mom like every other day. I like to hang out we used to be like best friends so I like to try and get that back. But when my mom is constantly badgering me about a birthing room every 5 minutes im not kidding 5 minutes will pass and I will hear how big of a mistake this is bla bla bla . I really cant take it.my mother should be supportive and because I was adopted and my parents couldn’t have children I honestly think sometimes that she is jealous because im experiencing something that she always wanted. Some kind of weird envy coming back on me.
Im not conventional person in any way really so why would I choose a conventional birth?
There are thousands of women here in the states that do homebirths with our with out a midwife. I don’t think I want a mid wife im not sure. I totally want to do it by my self and im prepared to learn what I need to to do this right and beautifully.
Im just feeling pressured , slightly and wondering what all you wonderful women out there think about this. I hope it was worth your time reading.



I made homemade tomato soup today stewed my tomatoes for 3 or 4 hours and it was so yummy. I ate watermelon, blueberries and a apple and green goodness and orange juice and water today.



Ive been feeling kinda sick today on and off. Not really up for any visiting or company today maybe tomorrow when I feel up to it.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 09:17 am care to comment