October 9th to September 15th

October 9th, 2005
entertaining

I thought I would stop and say a few words today , for I havenot been writing daily here and thought any words or thoughts would suffice.

I love entertaining. I mean cooking and having dinner partiesand tea parties. I know it sounds quirky but really it is a lot of fun. Having peopleover chatting eating divine food and having a spot of tea. Usually I would saya fine wine but I m pregnant and I quit drinking permanently anyways so tea itis.
I have cooked for my parents today, amazingly so fareverything has gone not too bad. Yes the subject my favorite thing to argueabout came up homebirth vs. hospitals with my mother but actually she is veryhelping now in trying to help find a mid wife for the hospital but soon I hope Iwill convince her otherwise. hahaha all a part of my grand plan.
Very hungry today and awaiting my scrumptious food I haveprepared lovingly.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 05:14 am care to comment

October 8th, 2005
love child
I fell its important to recognize and made very clear to our unborn and to the energies surrounding that our child was not created as a love child. Now I think this term is very deceiving because little one you were conceived from love and only love we welcomed you and awaited your presence. As both being adopted and have knowing what it felt like the initial shock of being a “love child” a child created out of recreational or lustful sex not planned nor welcomed. I always felt unwanted because of this knowledge at such a young age.
Our little bean we love you and that’s why you are here because we love each other so much that nothing else matters except the pursuit of love and welcome you in along for the adventure.
You are the ultimate creation on all of our parts including the divine.
Little one I have been feeling the first kicks in my swelling belly. It feels funny but I like it , it makes me smile.

I have recently today had really a lot to say about everything im glad because I have kind of been in a void and a empty space of regenerating my creativity.
I see now that pregnancy is a time of weeding out all garbage that could potentially interfere with parenting properly like personal hang ups instead of seeing things from proper judgment.

So yea been thinking about the past . urk. Will it ever end? Not sure. why I torture myself by looking back and pretending that we knew of each other in a time that was designed for further growth apart making and paving the way for our destined appointment to intertwine fates and souls forever.
I don’t know.
Im hungry and waiting for my food to cook. Yum .
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:50 pm care to comment


slightly caught up
I read words never meant for my eyes, they cover me in filth.
As slowly I begin to feel bitterness.
Although my life I have had many substitutes for what I was longing for ….love
Unfortunately I find no common thread with these people. Not enough to even say hello if spotted in a crowd.
Feeling just as important as a black book filled with numbers and quick references of whom it belongs to. just like another page in a history book. Being overlooked. Not given even its own book or place to be separated from all that came before . so the past settles to close for I am bitter.
I do not see my self as just another part of this circle but a major link to keeping it together and I demand respect and recognition.
I have came a long way to be where I stand today, fully clothed and full of respect.
I shall never settle for less that the best because that is what I deserve.



There are so many thing I wish I could keep my child from in this world that seems so bitter and perverted. How do I be that example to keep my child from having to experience the same pains as I did. Im not sure this is possible.



I had dreams of being in a strip club again. It fills me with rage. Whores and nasty teases that say well im lonely looking for love but if they had love they couldn’t keep it because if they loved themselves there would be no such actions. Bills or no bills.
A while back it was tempting but how could I have forgotten the perversion and sickness in such establishments. Sure it can be seen as art. But im not sure these days I see it that way. What we are selling ourselves like a lady in a window in france (oldfrance) ? like that’s ok?
And why are these poor examples of women held so highly given respect? I m not sure I understand. I used to be that girl and i had the best damn stage show in this crummy town or could i go as far saying mabye close to any where on stage blowing every mind that caught a faint glimpse of what they saw from me something elusive and could never be caught. A caged animal waiting to chew some one to shreds.
Beautiful? Disgusting. I protest these filthy establishments that allow women to degrade themselves to every whim of those sickening men.



So what I hold not much respect for the past. Other than I got through and it has lead me to better places and avenues to reach higher levels of consciousness.



Ok so I know my diet has been pretty bad recently but you know im not feeling guilty being pregnant it different and quite hard to say no to your cravings. Im healthy and I have been a vegetarian since I was 8 or 9 due to allergies so good.
I don’t believe in being fanatic about diet its not necessary not at all.
Everyone needs something to be fanatic about I souppose.

Connections are fading fast not that it matters really a loner at heart anyways.
People get in the way of me reaching myself .
You know I m not some farm girl that has lived a sheltered life never having enough courage to leave the nest I have lived very fully for my age and I m proud of my wildness in my younger years.
But you see I have nothing to prove or to compare storys with or wildness with good for you who ever you are. I don’t care I don’t give a damn stop telling your story because it really doesn’t matter, its boring.



My gypsy blood running hot again something to tame me down. Ive never been grounded or settled ever. This is all very new to me.
I feel like a badger, dolphins or maybe a pit bull. Feeling territorial. sending out the message get too close and its over for you anyways you will feel the wrath. If you dare let the dark one out to play sending nothing but destruction and chaos yourway!
Im not playing and im joking.
Get too close say the wrong thing go ahead you shall see.



How can i be disgusted by someone’s experience of life. is it some bitter jealously afraid that there are more gaps to fill more foot steps to over ride in the sands of time all ready? Having to do much more than they?
to mean more to be better for there is no recigition like there is for others so im bitter and thats ok.

Posted by ripewithbaby at 08:07 am care to comment


October 4th, 2005
providing
Yes now my hormones have indeed flared out totally.
Being pregnant totally emerged in emotion and worry about providing and nurturing.
I thought of yes the unthinkable today. Re tracing a path that I have already walked and
I m still recovering. Sometimes money just worries me I have my moods where I feel
So anxious I almost hypervenaltive over the situation. my loving wonderful husband loving reassures me that money is not that important and that everything is ok.
I really cant believe I would ever have thought of placing myself and our unborn in such filth just to bring home large amounts of cash.
Thoughts I will never think again and now I m ashamed of even the thought.
I know everything is ok I just sometimes get worked out about providing.
But I feel better about it now I think just to get it out of my system.
I feel better.

Posted by ripewithbaby at 07:40 am care to comment
September 30th, 2005
septembers last day

Last day of September .
This year has gone so quickly it seems. Last year where every moment seemed to be aeternity
This year I can not find myself clinging on to every momentwhere each day passes so quickly.
The beauty of change. Little one I had dreams of you lastnight.
I could pull you out to see you seemed to be the size thatyou are now and you were sleeping
Soundly all curled up and peaceful. So I put you back insidemy womb.
I m glad to dream of you. I love you. we love you so verymuch
So I have been really having a tough time with my emotionshere the last week
I would say. It has been tough. It seems I m letting go of some early traumas and re living themin some weird way
Re living my early childhood preparing myself to become themother I m capable of being.
And remembering all the ways of being I will choose toavoid.
Jonny has been so supportive and I m very thankful for this,sometimes its hard and I m gladI m not alone in this. new un familiar territory thatcan be scary. Emotions can be well indeed on overload at times.

i cant wait til you meet your father. he is so wonderful little one , so wonderful!
he loves you very much and is so excited as well as I about your arrival.
and of all that has yet to be.your father is going to be the best father that there
is.



Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:32 pm 1 comments

the words to say

hello little bean.. i'm sorry that i haven't wrote much to you in these early sessions.. i really wan't to leave for you some words that one day will be a treasure to find.. well i'm sure that they will eventually come to the surface.. and you should be too.. they always do.. the creative process is just that.. a creative process.. process.. it is really spontanious and mysterious though.. even our own creations.. as in a great way you are my and your mothers creation.. yet you have a life of your own.. you are blessed and sacrade.. becoming what that is that you will become.. oh.. i am sure that something will emerge in these leading days of your gestation.. that will offer you a great insight into what life was like in the womb.. what were all these sounds and feelings.. as today i throat sang to the belly and listened for you bouncing around in there.. i don't know for sure.. but i think that was you..
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:45 pm care to comment

September 26th, 2005

catch up
It has been a long time since I have written anything.
I have well on my 11 week a few weeks back was the peak
Of my morning sickness so I think that’s when I stopped writing.
Just by being consumed by my constant nausea.
I have painted a few more pieces. I have been getting a little bit
More energy than I have been feeling.
Just wanted to catch up on a few things.
We went to my family reunion today , not many peeps showed up
That’s cool though we ate food went to my grandmothers and ate
More food! O my I can still eat… eeek!!!
So yea that’s whats been up.
Ive baan catching up on house work. Sleeping.eating and napping. J
Posted by ripewithbaby at 10:12 am 1 comments

September 16th, 2005

chattery talk
You are a Samurai The ancient Samurai is world renound and has beenreveared through out history. The true esenceof the Samurai is in aiding and fighting forthe good of others as well as themselves. Itwas custom for the training of the ancientSamurai to begin their training early in theirchildhood and to be trained to be true mastersof every aspect of life of the people theyprotect. This ment that the training of thesewarriors included cooking, gardening,carpentry, weaving, and much more in additionto combat and the honorable code of theSamurai. Any that follow the path of a Samurai, regardlessof their training, are warriors of the people.This does not eliminate actions for personalgain, that is the path of a martyr, but itsimply means to help those that you can, whenyou can, however you can. That is the true pathfor the samurai warrior. The Warrior That You Are (or what kind of warrior are you)brought to you by Quizilla
i love these cute little harmless quizzes


Ok now I see clearly why it is I love living away from people I know and family. Really it is nice. Sometimes you miss them but more than often you love your personal freedom to just be and not hear their same old same over and over.
Im so gal dim not like my parents and will never choose to be.
I choose to eat healthy food fill my temple with the best to give me optimal performance from my body. I m perfect just the way I am and I don’t give a damn what others say or beg to differ. It doesn’t matter to me. because I m on fire and I will just blaze right on through you. like water on fire I m unstoppable. You know today my mother was again trying to persuade me to well go to the hospital and have my child min a conventional way I m so sick of hearing it I m sorry I m going to have to be cut throat and not are.
God I m fabulous.
People and the i ignorance I can handle ignorance it is my purpose not to deal with it or allow others to pull their crap with me.
Un evolved people don’t understand me and thats ok with me. I guess. I just don’t like to be around lower energy people less evolved folk. Because everything you say is opposition and a challenge against what thy believe and where they are because they don’t understand.
You know when i was young I was on fire nothing could stop me I was a burning forest wild fire wild and free true to my self nothing could stop me. I tamed down as I have gotten older but not lost my fire and I love to let my self shine. But I sure clear the past just watch the people run , ha too intense they say. Well I say too boring liven up!
Anyways.. what im saying is that I think its kind of sickening when people know you for so long like family and friends and then its like they don’t even see you or want to hold on to a image that’s not there or even real a figment of the past.



Grumbles under the breath I can hear all these mumbles from your brain I really can I m silent and hear you speak. Its amazing. I can feel the pressure. Don’t try and persuade me don’t do it. That’s all the warning you should need. And no its not a threat a threat is something that could happen but o it will happen if you persist on pushing just you watch and see. I m done. I m a wife and a mother now I m whole and un containable and beautiful. Out of the way please… thank you
Ahh. Random thoughts spilling out to the page like water color drizzled with rain melting into one another from every direction. Never ceasing to amazing my ever questing mind.



I love my self care treatment my self love program as I call it I know everyone has one well should have one. Things you do to pamper your self. I buy vicitora secrect lotions and smelly potions and prettys and I nurture myself in a warm candle lit bath. Remember and tell my self just how fabulous I am and that everything is as it should be.
Self love. Self care. Time with myself. I paint and read and make books with pictures and scrapbooks.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 10:09 am care to comment

September 15th, 2005

mother

You Are From Mars
You're energetic, althletic, and totally hyperactive. You love playing sports and being in the middle of all of the action. You're independent, corageous, and brave. Unafraid to do things your way. Mars can be reckless, quick tempered, and a little too spontaneous. So think before you act - and resist your natural urges to dominate others.
What Planet Are You From?
Today I speak of beauty .personal self beauty. Accepting the beauty of others and knowing that no other is as i. sure this realization seems to be clear for some but to really have a realization that I have masked my beauty most of my life to fit in to the ugliness of the world. Refusing this belief any longer and demanding to live among all things beautiful.
So I look in the mirror like any other day and not only do I see my self maybe some resemblance of my mother face that I have never seen or seen with eyes not old enough to remember her face. Studying my features with a questioning mind which features are my mothers and which are my fathers. High cheek bones maybe my fathers. My up turned nose maybe my mothers. And wondering et which features of us will be passed to our beautiful baby?
My mothers face I m sure it was beautiful ,maybe worn with worry but beautiful. My fathers face his embrace when was the last time he held me with his strong gentle arms? I cant imagine the feeling of letting go for the last time and knowing it maybe be forever.
So romantic but it was not just a storybook tale of love and the ultimate sacrifice it is my life’s story.
I will not let anyone or anything rip my child from my arms. A kind of promise to myself I made a long time ago. If or when I ever choose to create children I had so many ideas of what was so crucial to development and a happy child.
Maybe someday I will see my mothers face and be held in her embrace only shortly even it could be just a second. And my father I m sure I m a lot like him I know it. I have his fire coursing through my blood.
I have decided to transform my physical appearance again. I m waiting for my hair to finish going to a light straw color so I can go a bright bright red J now not to say ill be back to my normal color in a month(ebony) but hey it kills the boredom I have with the same hair everyday something new probably not permanent but hey its fun.
Im depressed and sad im hungry and I cant eat because I feel like throwing up I feel sick j no matter what I eat I wish I would feel better!!! I don’t want to eat because of it.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 07:58 am care to comment