July 27- new teeth

Sometimes its hard to remember where it is that I left off last time…or what has happened that I have not had the time to log…

So pod is growing so very much he will 4 months next week and the times seems to be flying by. im getting used to our routine although it changes a lot…

Pods teeth are coming in his bottom and his top teeth I can feel them. It has to hurt because he has been very fussy and normally he is just one happy podling.

He has been going to grandmas about 3 times a week while I go to work. He is starting not to like his swing chair anymore and will soon be graduating into his playstation thingy as well as a jumper :} how cool

july 7th-cutting teeth

July 7^th

Well this week pod has been getting fussy due to the fact that his first 2 bottom teeth are emerging causing him discomfort.

Poor pod pod….he is getting very strong his head is a lot stronger now and we are setting him up against pillows and stuff so he can get a feel for how it is to sit up by himself.

He still enjoys his swing immensely .

As time seems to be going by so fast he is no longer a little tiny baby yet of course he is still small but not tiny…how time does fly…

I see now why people have a lot of kids because babys are so wonderful…children are so wonderful. He has been doing good when I have to take him to grandmas when I have to go to work…which I have only been doing a few days( 1- 3) a week for 4 hours .

Its so amazing to watch him discover his hands and chew on them for relief from his gums…he watches and inspects my paintings and loves to look at them and he will watch tv(movies) we are going to try to let him watch only kids movies with a good story and meaning with no junk tv… I would ust rather kill our tvs and kiss them good bye.
its been 3 months that pod has been here outside of my ripe belly its differant yet im so glad hes here on the outside of my body...i guess no one will ever know...what it is what it feels like to be one...one with the child we created except me and pod... favorite had the pleasure of experiencing our pregnancy through me....yet i was the one with the direct experience

week 11

Today we had to take pod for his 2ond month check up but in reality he will be three months in a week!

So they gave him 3 shots today and it really made him cry his face turned red and he was crying very much and I stated to cry and so did jonny :{the nurse was incompetent and kind of a moron. She just seemed to not have any ability to absorb us or anything for that matter.

Anyways…

Pod is doing great. Today he got his first shots. he has been sleeping so much today we went to my mums and he just started screaming and my mom was like well why dont you give him meds?
i dont take meds and neither does he and what was really the cleancher was that when he was crying she was trying to take over and take care of him. im like wo.. um im the mother not you...go away. so we left and he cryed all the way home face red tears falling from his beautiful blue eyes.
he was still crying so i was trying to open his tylonel and that damn thing wouldnt open and so i used a knife becuase the damn siccors are never to be found in our house so guess what while he is screaming face red and tears falling becuase of those god damn shots they gave him i slice my finger open so there is blood gushing everywhere and now im screaming...hungry...tired...at home alone no one to help me i think im gonna pass out there was alot of blood...my phone of course was totally dead i couldnt even use it when i plugged it in peice of shit! OMG WTF??!!
so he has been sleeping alot today

week 9 and 10

Week 9 and 10

Wow time files doesn’t it?

Sometimes I cant seem to keep up with how fast time just seems to wander by.

Pod is getting so BIG!! Wow I cant believe how big pod is getting. So many things have been going on the past couple weeks.

He is cooing, in the sense that he seems to be “talking” when we talk he makes long drawled out sounds .

Pod can hold his head up almost perfectly now. He is starting to fling him self forward.

He sleeps a lot still he sleeps with us and sleeps good throughout the night.

wekk 8

Our little boy rocks in his swing…

As I watch him sleep so very peacefully In his winny and tigg jersey.

I think to myself just this:

Where does time go?

One minute we are 16 wishing on every star we see

The next we have all the wishes we wised for

And then find ourselves wishing on more stars yes but rather counting the stars in the sky

So thankful.

I wish I couls stop time …in certain moments.

From the moment your child is born you have to learn to let go…

Its difficult for a mother

You spent every second together in the womb building a relationship with each other now that we are both in the same place …. We learn how to interact in this way

Life goes by …way too fast

I just hope that I m savoring every second as I should…

Week 8

We are in month 2…how time flies

This week we have noticed that he is still licking everything in sight! Sticks out his tongue and likes to lick your skin.

We have seemed to establish a system of understanding.

I have always known what his cry’s have meant…you just know

Its just those times when you do all you can and still he cry’s that I get worried but those times hes usually tired.

Now he will cry a lot when hes ready for bed time. Which is….he sleeps next to me ….

Not comfortable for me but for him I hope more than i. Im very careful you have to be when you co sleep…

He went to the movies for the first time

And his first pic nic and to the catalpa tree…marjorie loved him!!!

Domesticated Goddess

Making dinner….playing in the dirt

Just winding down from the day

Here comes wandering in 4 little neighbor kids

That wanted to see our baby

And eventually made it to the couch and wanted to watch a movie

So we put in the incredibles..

Running through my mind was….wow.. I m really a mom now. DOMESCIATED goddess I have indeed become….

Soon enough our son will be having friends over and there will be all kinds of children running around in our house like today….

Asking a million inquisitive questions…

Whats this and what does it do?

Why do you have this?

Whats wrong with your dog?( I have been asking myself this for a long time)(really nothing hes just crazy)

I love the questions..young minds….

So it dawned on me that wow…..im really a parent…

I have a bunch of kids on my sofa we are all watching a movie and wow, im really content….

Week-7

Week 7

Today we went to the Park for the first time!

Although he was unable to really see much of anything. The air at the rose garden was perfumed with sweet smelling freshly bloomed roses. How sweet!

I do notice the interaction differences between me and daddy.

He usually likes being close to me and nozzling and being rocked and he responds to me more calmly.

He responds to daddy with much more excitement. With giggles ( he giggles for me too) and big smiles and lots of activity. He likes to sit up on his daddy’s knees and gaze into his eyes. He usually doesn’t let me do this. He likes to be close to the breast.

His hair is starting to come in this week.

He cried his first tear this week.

We had to go to the ER for a fever.

This week we have actually been sleeping more. We have a pattern developed. We are up till around 4 or 5 am and if hes tired and ready for bed he will give a certain cry for me to hear and then we will go to bed.

We sleep till around 12 noon get up stretch and play for a little while and go back to sleep for a nap usually a few hours. Sometimes we don’t get up till 5!

trip to th ER

Well tonight my baby boy has been upset most of the night and developed a fever.as being the content happy baby he usually is I was worried. Took his temp and he had a fever,so I called the on call doctor. The doctor said get him in right away to get checked out. Si I called my husband and we met up and headed to th ER, we got there and they looked him over even x rayed him and hes a healthy baby…my thermometer is junk. I cant help it im just a worried mom :}

Observation

As a parent to a young child. A new child to this world. Its seems i have found us trying to “teach” so much trying to say and do the right things to make the best example trying to teach our little ones something that they don’t know. But as im finding all to often our children especially very young children babies teach us EVERYTHING!

Im being taught so much its like wow, all I have to do is lay back and just be myself and this little miracle made from our flesh and blood teaches me that all the things I fret over worry over obsess over, things im afraid of, things that I try and avoid all these things… one look into those tiny eyes. they are not even a memory…

Week-6

Week 6

Wow! The weeks are just flying by… we are getting used to our new lifestyle and sleeping patterns and our everyday day to day activities. It seem like he is just growing so fast!!! Its amazing how big he seems to be compared to when he was first born.

He has developed some little red bumpies on his head I think the detergent on our bed sheets is too much for his sensitive skin. He has not got sick! I hope he stays that way!

As far as his new beautiful antics he is now well for the past week licking everything! Sticking out his tongue and tasting and licking everything. Your skin your clothes what ever he can he thinks its cool. Sticks his tongue out at us! How cute!

When he sneezes he says achew-a how very cute! I just love it

Officially now he has found his hands and loves to suck on his thumb and index finger.

This week he made it to the mall for the first time ever! How fab. Mark it on the calendar first time at the mall….. there were a lot of weird potential psychos yikes … try to avoid those o yea!

My little pea pod is more cute than ever... working onin to the 7th week!

Week 5

We are entering week5 ! wow! Its been 5 weeks already! Cant believe it…how time really flies. Peapod…. That’s what I call my little one he is finally sleeping throughout the night…well mostly thought the night except to wake up and roll over to eat he sleeps rather good. Good thing because I was really getting run down! Im not joking.

He enjoys his baths….when hes really upset his little arms flare out like hes trying to catch himself if he was falling or something. We spend all day together…attachment parenting im positive will make a difference!

Children...angels to this wolrd

Children …their hearts and eyes wide open

Open to the world to the universe

Trust is a part of our natural makeup…why is it we break ourselves down after time

Children help us get so much of ourselves back…all of ourselves back

Showing us the way while we show them the way as well….

Teaching that life is beautiful…showing us what is important and what is just a illusion a waste of our sweet precious time

Theres so much…

For us to reach out touch with our talents our unexplored potential

Our inner flam illuminating even brighter

Going even higher showing the rest of existence that this…what we hold in our hands our own fate

Take it. Make it what you will but dont compare your own progress according to anothers….

For we all will find our own way…

There is trust within

A undying faith that all is perfect where it needs to be

That everything flows to its proper place

Following our bliss where ever that may take us

That this time here is so very precious not to be wasted with such things as envy hate anger disappointment fear and regret.

Week 3 and week 4

Well…during week 3 we were in the process of establishing a sleep pattern. Up still most of the night but slowly tapering off. He grunts a lot during his sleep and even has baby snores! How cute!

His growth spurt is about to take place he never seems to stop eating! Wow! Nursing is a 100% all the time full time job and at times it seems over whelming yet it is very pleasing and I do enjoy every second of our closeness.

Week 4- week four we have established a sleeping pattern. He no longer sleeps in his bassinette wont wont stay still in there. He loves to be close. So we co sleep. I know I have heard of the dangers but I m a light sleeper so everything is beautiful…

We sleep together…he has explored his first outside outings…he closes his little eyes because the sun is so bright for his little new eyes.He LOVES his swing chair…it seems to be one of his favorite things.

He gained a pound from his last doctors check up… getting big!

week-2

I didn’t get to write about week one because my Internet was shut off so I can start writing now. We are in the 2ond week!

Week one he was not to fussy a very quiet baby only fussing or crying if hungry or dirty.

Very peaceful and calm.

Week 2- which is what we are in he still remains to be very peaceful and quiet he lets you know exactly what he needs and wants. He grunts a lot in his sleep and LOVES his swing chair. If nothing else seems to be making him happy his swing chair will always make him calm and content.

I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep. Especially not in large intervals usually through small naps is where I get my sleep. Its not as hard as the first week because im adjusting to my new sleeping patterns.
His little cord fell off this week! allthough it has been seeping its healing.

Week 39

Week 39

So this is the last week before show time… im sooooooooooooooo excited! I can barley wait… not good at waiting sometimes you see.

Doing pretty good thought I was getting sick a few times this week but I pulled thorough it ok…I have had the most energy I have had all pregnancy and I even did yard work today besides taking care of my cats kittens she just had today! yeA!

my prayer...for you my little one

Tears stain my face

Caught in my own shadow

Little one I feel you move in my belly

I feel you

I feel you feel me

I hope I give you the safety you need to feel

Need to have…to survive

Praying for you

That you will be safe from all the paths I traveled upon that has lead me here

I know there is a easier way

Maybe not easy but it doesn’t have to painful or full of struggle

Little one I hope I have not scared you …imprinted you with my own faults

That I work so hard to rid myself from

These human coils

What d I do?

I have came so far… I pray you wont trace the routes I took to find grace

You have it now

You are perfect

You are divine

You are loved

You have to do nothing

You just are……

Little one I wish I was taught this

I wish I would have known … I have wasted so much time

Here I am waiting for you

I hope I make you feel loved.needed and wanted

Something I cant recall from my mother (bio)

I cant recall anything about her… not her eyes

Not her touch

Her scent

Her grace

Her voice

Nothing except that she was not capable of caring for me

I was sent to a family that could. very lucky yet crave …hunger.. to remember

To remember what I will consciously give you

All my love

My devotion

My faith in you in our family

A orphan has her own family now

It is my responsibly to make things right

Im sorry if I haven’t been the best mommy

I feel like I haven’t because of my pregnant emotional instability

I don’t mean to imprint you with anything harmful

You must understand

I do try….

I hope we always get along. always find our love in the midst of any disagreement

I love you.. you were made of love. you are love

week 38-waiting

Been having braxton hicks contraction but still no little bean yet.

Wondering how you are doing in there. Cozy And warm maybe a little too cramped to move a lot.

Little bean our beautiful baby your heart beats to that of the beat of all creation. The sounds of love…

Love vibrations.

We have been painting the kitchen, kinda in preparation of you little bean. Its one of the last rooms to be painted and it was only half painted and now we are finishing. It should be done by the time of your emergence. it’s a Tuscan theme, so bright warm and colorful,beautiful!

So well I thought I may have had you by now…just waiting..the hardest part.

Week 38!

Week 38!

Only two weeks to go till our due date, my cusion had her bay last night we were due around the same time give or take 2 days. So that makes me wonder…hummm.. when are you going to appear little bean?

I have been feeling a lot more “pains” the past day or so, I thought maybe I would go into real labor last night but I didn’t. I have been feeling a lot more activity in the sense of pains and sensations as we call those around here, making every moment something of a mystery because we could have this baby at any moment. Wow!

Tonight I m going to my favorite restaurant in this crummy town the best Japanese restaurant in this area. I cant wait! Although I have been sluffin off my all fruit diet this past week I have been eating a lot of rice! I have been craving wild rice.

I only have a few more weeks or when ever the baby is born I can go to a all raw all healthy diet, as it is quite hard to do pregnant and it seems I don’t want to deplete the baby as I may do to myself form my normal diet patterns.

Im not to worried I guess I really didn’t gain that much weight I guess I didn’t realize how much weight you carry that is water when you are pregnant. A lot! I will soon be back to my normal size of Zero I m thinking in about 2 months tops.i have to give my uterus time to back to its normal shape and then I will be good to go!

Last few moments

Sitting here with the realization that these are in fact the last few moments of being so very ripe with baby as our due date is only 2 weeks away.

This journey from the beginning has been nothing short from a miracle.

The creation of new life with in the life force field of another the ability to carry life within your own body.

There are so many things I wonder about … being a parent. An enlightened parent one that is conscious of every detail and its possible effect on such a young fragile psyche. This journey is also one of self healing. Yes the parent teaches but so does this beautiful new spiritual creature full of light and love and yes, wisdom.
From the moment I found out I was with child I have been trying my very best to patch up my loose fragmented pieces of self, tie off loose ends of my belief systems and getting myself prepared and becoming a whole individual for myself yes , and yes for my family. In order to have a whole family it is crucial to have your self whole, in your entirety. With out a whole self there is nothing else, nothing that can or will satisfy nothing will suffice. This journey has been beautiful and I have enjoyed it but this to is coming to and end but also with this end we will be beginning our life long relationship to each other and will exist as two beings. You have been within my body for 9 months little bean, depending on me to make the right decisions for both of us, never again will you be connected within my body as you are now and I cherish every moment. Your life will be beautiful and full of love you are forever free to choose the path that is right for your spirit to grow and learn and above all remain free.

Dear Little Bean-Week 37

Dear little bean,

Week 37

I feel that you are close to being on your way out of your warm cozy womb environment.

It could just be wishful thinking but maybe you will be coming out soon! So as of now you did finally get everything you needed! Except a bedside sleeper which we don’t need for like a month or so until you grow out of your bassinette, you have a groovy crib but its not upstairs and we need to have one that is close to us!

So the time is coming and I feel it ever so slowing the reality of being a parent sinks in my very pregnant skin.

I feel so much more alive there is so much to look forward too. Though it has been a bit rough and bumpy along this road pregnancy is not always easy nor delightful on the level of comfort. Although defiantly worth it totally just still uncomfortable.

There are so many delightful things that we all are going to do together I just cant wait!

You have a busy first year planned out too, you are going to go to Minnesota, Michigan lake and south Carolina for your trips this year among other things that are o so much fun. A traveling little baby you will be. We love you very much and cant wait to meet you and hold you in our arms!

Week37-Full term

So we are in week 37 now , yesterday was not exactly my best day but I did come out of the situation on top. Some days you are so weak that all you can do is literally stay I bed, because you have no energy, you have all the mental energy enough to move objects and bend spoons but not enough to do anything but rest. Some days that drives me mad. Being an Aries mama that’s a toughie…. resting. Slowing down. (Yuck ) anyways week 37 is considered a full term baby now :)

But I have found myself little bean trying to connect with you more and more

The last few days it seemed you were resting too but your back to your normal active lifestyle in there. Although you cant do much because I know your really cramped!

So I have the birth plans all set, written out and posted up in my birthing room in my house. What to do if… on and on. So this weekend is set up weekend. We have almost all of our supplies for the birth and now all we have to do is WAIT!

Waiting… ahhh.. Another weakness of mine, I m not very good at waiting. But I m leaning fast!

I had some weird dreams last night

1^st dream:

I was in our kitchen ( it was ours but not you know the game in dreams)

And I was hanging out with Bono from U2 and we were listening to the radio and this Elton John cover song came on and he seemed to really enjoy it(Bono) and so we are just hanging out talking about our baby. Then our baby kicks so hard that its foot almost comes out of my skin, it stretches so far its gonna pop my skin! We had to push it back in!

2^nd dream

I was driving somewhere I ended up laying down on this bed I had our baby! It wasn’t a normal birth I just pulled it out of me. The baby was flat like a pancake and frozen. I had to pump air into it and defrost it! ( this is creepy) our baby was totally frozen and I kept it in my purse until it defrosted and then I went to nurse it I looked and it didn’t really look like a baby, a shapesifter! Yikes!

3^rd dream

My family was at my grandfather house in new haven and we were out in the lawn where I used to pick lawn violets when I was a little girl. My dad,john,mom everyone was there. All of a sudden here comes like this giant plane a fighterpalne or something and its bombing us and we had to hide underneath this big giant black thing and as all the debris is flying by a lot of my child hood goes past my eyes and scrappy was in my arms too! ( my 1^st pet ever)

I had this dream twice in the same day just slightly different

Are We There Yet?

Are we there yet? I ask myself so hastily. The end of pregnancy is like a road trip across country and you are almost to your destination about 100 miles left and you start to feel unbearably uncomfortable and fidgety like you want to get out of the vehicle now!
I hate to bitch about it but im gonna, im so uncomfortable I can barley stand it , I f I was a selfish person I would induce my own labor myself ( I know how) but that’s not really fair I guess. I just want to start my life a new get this extra weight off and be able to bend over again. I feel really confined because I cant leave the house because Im fairly weak and tired once I do go out I have to go right back home or I have to call to get picked up because I cant drive because im to uncomfortable or dizzy or just neurotic. I cant even paint!because i cant bend over to paint :( god thats sad.
I just wish I could have our baby very soon if not now! I cant go another three more weeks I think I will go crazy.

Week-36 Got My Ring Cut OFF!

Today has been to say the least interesting…

My fingers began to swell last night and my ring finger was feeling bad as my ring was getting tighter, by morning I awoke to find that my ring would not come of after using every trick, Egyptian magic, grapeseed oil, Vaseline intensive care, a ribbon underneath to help feed the skin through Windex, god what didn’t we try? Lol.

So after my normal coursing on a Wednesday I decide to come home to rest although my finger by now is raw and close to bleeding. I cant sleep because the ring is so thigh my finger is getting circulation but its close to cutting the circulation off.

Now we all know I m afraid of hospitals (birth trauma) and I deiced I had to go! Yikes!

So I got my ring cut off my finger, I will get it fixed soon after the baby is born, because I cant wear it now, or any rings for that matter.

As we are waiting to get the ring cut off some stupid doctor comes by and jonny asks him if we could listen to the babys heart beat with his stethoscope and he claims we would not hear it, although that stupid crappy fetal heartbeat listener thingy worked one time a long item ago and he says well you wont be able to hear it. What a lie. Anyways and continues to ask probing questions. Who’s your ob doctor?

I say I have choose alternative medicine, well who’s your doctor he asks? Its like why what business is it of your to ask? Are you on prenatal? Like I m some kind of ignorant person. I told him I have a midwife (me so to say because I have been doing my own care).Anyways what an asshole.

Week 36 is nearing in on its last few days and soon our baby, little bean will be considered full term at 37 weeks. Anytime now.I have been trying to get everything together, tomorrow we are getting the rest of our birth supplies and its just time to rest and wait.Wait for you little one to make your gand entrance.

There are so many things that are going to change and I realize this and I welcome this transition this major change within and without myself.

Week 36- The Safe Zone

Week 36 The safe zone

So this is officially weeks 36 which happens to be the “safe zone” meaning if we have our baby anytime between NOW and four more weeks at home with no hospital.

Im so glad we made it!

Yesterday little bean was you last but not least baby shower that your grandma Tena threw for you and Cheryl.

We got almost everything that we need now, I have to go pick a few more things up, I might do it today, I have been nesting and trying to get every little thing together.

Traveling when your this pregnant is not advisable due to the fact that your so uncomfy and all you can do is complain every five minutes how uncomfy you are.

Your wonderful daddy set up your stroller, baby bath time tub your walker activity set and you got a new highchair too! So you have everything except a bouncer and a baby swing chair and a bedside sleeper which we are buying this week! That’s a lot of stuff!

Your daddy is so excited about your arrival it makes me happy to see that, I m of course just as excited. Wondering what natural birth will be like.

6am self loathing

(awake at 6am, nothing to do,hungry and cant eat...nothing sounds good.tired but not tired anough to sleep,still dont have enough energy to do much of anything,feeling moody,wondering what its like to be normal again ,normal thats funny i know! i guess what i meant to say is... to feel good again and to me a mommy)

I can barley see the light creeping up on the horizon.

In my jammies and they don’t fit very well, not right now anyways.

I m awake everyday at this time it seems and I m up for a few hours doing the same thing. Sitting here wondering why the hell I cant sleep!!!

O yes I know its my new transition. I guess its like I feel like for 8 months I have been saying “|I m pregnant” yes I am very pregnant but now I am so much closer to being a MOM. There are so many transitions and I feel like I m ready for them and sometimes just anxious and impatient and want to hold my baby! Done with being pregnant, cant walk very well, eating too much cant poop easily, very temperamental and moody, unpredictable and tired not to mention, achy, heartburn, nosebleeds, leg cramps foot cramps an dim sure a 100 other things to complain about. Give me a break its 6 am and I m self-loathing. Feels good for the moment and if the moment is all we’ve got than well I m doing ok.
I hear trains and a few birds outside my window. Our baby is very low it seems so much closer than I think or maybe I m having wishful thinking. Its not I don’t love or baby being inside of my womb I m just as ready as baby to be comfy and start our loves together.

I know im pregnant but I still feel fat (sigh)

Cant sleep week 35

The closer the due date the further it seems.

The last few weeks of pregnancy for me has been full of sleepless nights and sleeping all day long and really readjusting to some new pattern that is taking place.

It doesn’t make it any easier, I lay awake wondering how motherhood will be and even more I m wondering how other people will react, not that I care about their reactions but more so how will I deal with all the opposition I think I may find?

I ve been trying to get everything put together, diapers in every main room I spend time in, toys washed up and put away, clothes washed and neatly put away, the bassinet ready to go and all that good stuff. This next week is the week for labor prep.

All my major labor items such as herbal compresses and herbal ice chips and aromatherapy picked out, new candles and the list goes on.

I have been worrying I have to admit, I m awake a lot now in the morning and I cant sleep and its rather bothersome.

Hombirth vs. Hospital

Isn’t ist lovely when we have uninformed people trying to discuss homebirth?
God,it’s a nightmare. Truly it is. These conservative blind people just go with whatever they a re told , they don’t ask questions or even question the structure the nature of the medical establishment.
I have never felt so strongly about another subject in my entire life. Homebirth, the right to choose a birth without violence.
A hospital seems to me the worse possible way to give birth the most violent and disrespectful to life itself. As long as you are not huge risk and everything is smooth along the way then everything should be fine.
There are people (including my family) that don’t believe in the power of listening to your body, to going within and trusting the body and more so trusting your baby! That the birthing experience will be beautiful and wonderful. It’s a matter of trust.
We can sit around and conjure up a million what ifs and live in fear or we can accept the reality what might happen and accept the realty the more than likely things will be beautiful and there is nothing to worry about. Living in fear makes fearful events, not wholesome experiences.
There people need to understand the fact of the matter, birth is natural and it will remain natural. A hospital is not natural and is not for us. This establishment is not set up for us to be magical natural beings that are having life emerging through us , instead we are dumb women that are having a baby so be prepared for an emergency and then we will tell her how to feed, and hold herown baby! Now, wait a damn second here, hospitals can go to hell as far as im concerned. There is a time and place for a hospital injury and sickness and emergency but not a beautiful birth!

Mornings

Mornings

I have never been a “morning” person which I think is a major part why I did not survive in school mainly because it was held in the morning. I wake up in the morning even after going to bed early I wake up with a instant headache, my eyes barely want to open and I usually get a tremendous stomach ache. Im 100% nocturnal, and that’s just my natural flow. Mt prime hours are between 12:oo midnight and 5 am.
They always say “ well you will get USED to being up in the morning when you have children” I guess I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean.
Its not something you can get USED to if it goes against your natural rhythms.
They say it wrong, lack of proper communication.
I have been noticing that the closer I am to our due date which is in a couple weeks I have been slowly changing. My sleep patterns about 3 or 4 hours of sleep with a little bit of awake time and off to sleep again. Mainly sleeping during the day and awake from 12:oo midnight to 8 am. give or take. The whole idea is that there is a ebb and flow to it all. Making it more apparent that we should not live on schedules, they are not healthy. Because our need for sleep and well anything in general changes from time to time.
That there is something taking place. I m NOT getting USED to mornings, I am on the other hand awake more in the mornings and able to open my eyes no headache or tummy ache .its my body preparing for this wonderful baby!
I will never be a “morning” person, no matter what that’s just the way it is, the sun rises every morning and I will always remain and child of the night, belonging to the moon.

Week 35-Baby Shower

Little bean,
We had such a busy day today. Today was your first baby shower and next week your other grandma tena is having a party for you too!
You got some really cute stuff, including clothes and lots of booties. So many people came I would say 30 people, very excited about your arrival. But not as excited as us!
5 weeks left! You cold be born anytime now up to 5 more weeks. So now its like a mystery, because I don’t know when you will decide to come out. I would say not too early I think but maybe just a little.
35 weeks. The safe zone. Ah…. What a relief, if you come out anytime now we don’t have to go to the hospital! Still remaining to eat a lot of fruit, my main food right now.
Melons, apples, grapes and anything sweet and yummy.
you almost have what you need now by next week im sure you will!

letter to little bean little spark

little bean you are really big now and i feel you all the time wiggeling and poking. your baby shower is this weekend and i cant wait, you are going to get so many wonderful welcome gifts i cant wait to see what all you get.
wow, time has came and gone so quickly.
little spark let me tell you somethings. we are totally new at thsi whole paretning idea and its all so very new, as this life is new to you as well you havent even taken your first breath yet!
i just wannted to ask you to be patient and have gaith in us as your parents and your best friends it is our responsibility to have you under our wings until you can fly by yourself someday. please know that we will do our very best in teaching you, loving you, trusting you, understanding you, listening to you and letting you grown the way you need to that is best for you.
we love you and this life will be beautiful.
you are loved.

Week 34 Blabbers

Not knowing how to deal, deal with this depression that has seemed to have flown in so quietly on me. Depression I m not sure if that’s what I would call it, more like the pregnancy blues.
As for my life things couldn’t be better really, I have everything I have ever desired and needed. Yet still I have found myself up against a wall. Being pregnant is a wonderful experience, truly and most of the time its enjoyable. But here in the last month of pregnancy I have found myself cracking. I m so sick of being low key its disgusting.
Im a naturally active person, doing a lot all at once. Going here doing this and doing that. Planning trips and go go go going all the time.
Im hard to keep up with, I don’t like a slow pace or people that work at a slow pace, they are generally annoying to me and my flow,due to the fact that I m high energy.
So being pregnant I have only enough energy for eating ,taking care of my hygiene and maybe an hour or two of activity as long as I don’t have to stand up, my feet hurt and are swollen. I eat in bed most of the time, I read, daydream and doze off.
It gets depressing because it seems I cant finish a project right now, painting I have done a few I did about 14 painting early on in my pregnancy but now I m lucky to paint two or three. Painting takes up so much energy, maybe you wouldn’t think so if you don’t paint but emotionally it is truly draining and I don’t have energy to spare.
Now babies especially newborns have to eat every two hours throughout the day and night. So that means being up ever two hours to nurse, I have been peculiarly on a 2 to 4 hour cycle of sleep and being awake, I think my body is preparing for whats to come. I guess its annoying now because there is no baby here yet to take under my wing so I m just up for no reason and can go back to sleep, probably because I sleep 18 hours.

Week 34

Week 34

The closer it gets the longer it seems to be.

Although we do have plenty left to do before our little sparks arrival we are overly excited to have her ( I think) in our arms.

I have been overly exhausted this week , they say when pregnancy winds down that you get growingly more exhausted daily. I find this to be very true! Today I have been up for 3 hours and its 12:00 midnight. I really did sleep all day and went to bed early!

So I have been just resting. I cant even go to my moms house because by the time I get there I m totally pooped and all I want to do is sleep and we all know one can sleep in that noisy house.

Feeling more and more connected to you little bean I talk to you all day and hold my belly. Sometimes you seem to respond.

You are feisty little bean, I couldn’t expect any less lol.

As for food:

I have been eating just fruit, except maybe for a cookie here and there

Watermelon seems to be what I eat the most of about a whole melon a day plus bananas cantalpoe and honeydew plumbs and apples and strawberries. I drink a lot of apple juice and water. Almonds I have been eating to help my heartburn.

Random 33 week blabbers

Ok, so I m not going to lie, the last part of pregnancy is most defiantly the most physical tiring and exhausting thing I have ever encountered. Even more than hiking for 5 hours or more never tired me as much as this. Running 6 miles straight was easier.
The beginning of pregnancy seems to be more about feeling nauseous and sick to your stomach like you cant keep much down and you don’t feel like being messed with. The second tri. Did last long enough it was the easiest. This is the last and final stretch, and it is the hardest.
I really stay in bed most of the day, I have my anemia again! Grr.. o well I rest A LOT
I eat and take baths and stuff work on my websites from bed (my trusty laptop)
And I sleep all day except about 8 hours I m awake.
Today being very exhausted from driving to one place to another making it up stairs and then plopping down on a comfy chair. I think that being tiny has a part in it too, heavy people are used to extra weight, I m not. Weighing in at 99 pounds not pregnant I m my normal suggested weight of 120. which I have been before due to a depression and I didn’t do anything for like 6 months except eat and drink a lot of booze. So that is no problem to get rid of , I loose weight fast its kind of fun, to see how much you can loose in a week 6 pounds and counting.
I know that all the weight except 5 pounds is from baby, fluids are amazing in there, my blood content goes up and my heart increases in size!
Not to mention my busty bust not to say I was perfect before, most people get implants to compare. Those sad people…
Anyways pregnancy, winding down slowly.
Excited and awaiting.

Week 33 of pregnancy

Week33

Moving in on the 33rd week! O my! How time does fly! Just 3 more weeks and we will all be in the safe zone, I think we will make it. I haven not surprisingly been having Braxton hicks as much as I was in November and December which is weird! They are suppose to get stronger and less frequent but maybe I just know how to deal with the pain it sends through your body in little shock waves.
Food: ON the food department I m getting just about impossible to please (your wonderful daddy does try and he always figures out something yummy for us to eat!). It seems there is noting left new to try. No new combinations to mix up. So I stick with my normal craving for no food cooked. Cooked food is repulsive and makes me cringe. My parents are overloaded on the pasta, way too much breads, and when I m there I m persecuted for not eating the unhealthy make me feel yucky choice of food. How annoying. So broccoli is really my favorite food right now you can find me munching on a lot! These sweet walnuts from the emerald company are especially yummy. Orange juice and the usual apple juice. Only purified water, spring water I cant drink because it feels like I m swallowing sand and is very unsatisfying. Watermelon is my new favorite as it was in the summer as well, cantaloupe and honeydew close 2ond and 3rd place for the fruit department. I eat lettuce easier than spinach which is usually the other way around but I find lettuce more juicy and sweet.
Anything sweet, that I can get my hands on, even cooked chocolate ( I know, it should be raw but….. raw chocolate is yucky!)

My belly is swelling with life so sweetly. Im getting used to my new body, I really have not gained a lot of weight, it is all baby. But I m not used to any extra weight I weigh 99 pounds normally ( not being pregnant) so my poor legs just don’t know what to think. Its hard to carry myself around, my hips pop too! They are preparing for the great emergence. Life J
It is quite painful when your hip doesn’t want to work with you and where your trying to go.
Spiritual Aspects: Well little one I have took note that you have been defiantly been spending more time inside your new almost fully developed body now instead of dwelling externally most of the time. I know that when you were smaller like in the beginning and 20th week I could feel your presence everywhere around me without, outside my body as such detecting a spirit in the room that’s what it felt like. Now you feel totally “in” sometimes. It makes me really happy to witness this. Your energy field is garmoungous and I know that it cant all fit into your tiny new body it will take time.

Little bean you have been very active but unlike the late 25 week to about the 30th week you were active all the time and could roll around now your space is about gone so you don’t roll around you just PUNCH and KICK a lot! Its so cool to watch my belly move around, and to know you are in there just livin it up.
Your father has been so supportive telling us how beautiful we are all the time and getting us what ever we want, he does so much. When you’re born (sometime after) we need to have pamper daddy week because he deserves it so much! We couldn’t do it without him, little spark.

New Blog Service

i had to move my blog over to this blog service because myblog was totally chinsy and they are rude people there. so.. i put my entire pregnancy journal over here.

August 3rd August 2 the beginning of ripewithbaby

August 3rd, 2005

the reality
Still soaking in the concept that im pregnant and that we are going to be parents. Wow. Amazing.

Little one how you shine
nestled so deeply in my dark fertile caverns
I m all you experience my every thought
My every feeling every food I savor
Are all yours.
We are one.
Teach me your song so I shall sing to youYou were made from love. You are Love.
I haven’t really had much of a chance to sit down earlier and write until now. Today has been an especially bi polar mood day so to speak because I haven’t been able to keep myself together all day. Its really amazing that my emotions feel stronger like they have more power. Knowing that every single thing I hear, see visually process, taste and digest, feel and emotionally experience is in fact being transmitted to our growing child . this is much responsibility that is put upon me. Not only is this for our child’s growth and development but for my awareness to grow and blossom and for myself to evolve further. Its like being pregnant is forcing me to stop procrastinating and really live the true ways of my heart. The ways I always say one day I will this one day I will that. But now I have to now! There is no time to wait and waste . Because that’s the thing with life you shut your eyes for too long and the moment is gone. Disappeared. Vanished .
I don’t want to miss my own life epically as a wife and a mother.
Today I have been really trying to understand that I have much personal work that I m needing to work out and through.
Today I was having a slight image issue because I still want and need to be desirable when my belly is swollen and ripe. A issue of safety and being needed wanted 100%

Sometimes i just lay down ad i travel inside my womb. Remembering what it was for me when i was in my mothers womb. So i embrace what our child is expereincing. A Stilness. A dark stillness. I take my self further into my experience so that these traumas are realsed. For good. to hram none.
I love my husbund totally and completely and im so happy to share this expereince and life with him. This is really my greatest dream to find my soulmate and to make a family.
its really happening... and im sooo happy and so excited about our future. Im so thankfull that my husbund has came into my life and really made my life worth living for rather than just my own selfish desires and circling pointlessly around in the same cycles of lonliness hungering for my twin flame. Togeather we shine so brightly. Unlike anyother love. Divine.
The most important thing in my life is my family. My husbund his needs and wants as well as my own and loving my self and now for our unborn child growing deep in my dark caverns. i will make this my wolrd.
Making the wolrd as it should be.through our love
you are made of love . you are love.
A wolrd full of love magic devotion trust honesty a true life. Togeather.
Forever loving forever as one.

Today I ate:
A Thai Salad with cabbadge,tomatoes,onions and yummy J
Potatoes seasoned with greens and full flavors
Spiral Pasta with Alfrado Sauce with Crushed Red Peppers ( yum I LUV spicy J)
half a bag of baby carrots
1 appleTons of water

I love you forever.. I want you to know that I am here with you.. i am going through this with you.. I love you so much and need you.. you are the fulfillment of my most early and consuming fantasy.. all my life I’ve wanted your embrace and to live life with you.. thank you!


I really want to be fully aware and present in the moments that we have to share.. I want to be the best father and husband..

I want the world to take a moment and examine personally who it is.. and what is happiness to them.. I’d like each individual to realize the kind of love that we have found.. Christina and I.. because I can’t fathom anything but peace and joy.. I truelly wish the same realization for every person who exist.. I care about the future of the world that we are giving to our child.. I want it to be a wonderful journey and I need all of you to participate in your own way.. be good loving people who also care.. create a safe and secure world that all can share the in a distinct and personal way.. have fun



Currently feeling: excited
Posted by ripewithbaby at 01:19 pm care to comment


August 2nd, 2005
Ripe With Baby


This is the diary of Christina and John Davis as we are embarking on the most Magical Journey of life together. The documentation of being ripe with baby. Our first child. People think that being pregnant is such a every day thing. Pregnancy is one of the most sacred journeys in life. It is of so much importance to document our journey and my experiences. As I m now realizing more and more that life really goes by so very fast and that every experience plays such a huge role in our psyche and our spirit. So many of us sleep walk through our lives. Every thought every breath very bite of food we should be mindful of and being ripe with child I m yes indeed having a real realization of this.



Today I knew It would be such huge day. I knew I was pregnant already but we have been trying for about 4 months and have not had success so I was not expecting very much of anything. I thought I was being compulsive in my obsessive compulsive tendencies by buying another pregnancy test hoping and wanting something that has been so far out of reach. I bought a digital test they are new and supposed to be really good I got results in less than a minute. I was going to wait the full 3 minutes but I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had a peek. It said Pregnant. My eyes were wide almost so much reaching out of my shocked skull. I didn’t believe it I looked away. It still said Pregnant. I left the room this time still thinking that I m making this up it has to be a wild delusion because I want it so bad. NO! not a delusion. Really 100% pregnant. The feeling. My heart chakra flooded with so much joy and love I could barely contain it all. The only way I could humanly express such power was to cry. Im going to be a mother. My dear husband shall be a father. It will take a while to really let it soak in what is really happening. This is the beginning of a magical and beautiful journey.

Last week I fasted cut out all sugar only ate fruits and veggies. No starches no pasta no caffeine no food that has been processed of anykind and no Dairy.Drinking soy and rice milk only. Orgainc substances. So today I have kinda went off my so good diet.
Today I ate:
2 Hershey’s Chocolate Bars( omgoddess so good)
A Clover Sprout and Snow Pea Salad with poppy seed dressing and REAL CHEESE J
Pasta in Alfrado sauce
1 apple
Potatoes with onions peppers garlic
5 chocolate and vanilla cookes ( kinda like Oreos)
Welcome... to my experience of being a woman ripe with baby

hello.. i also welcome you to our experience of a couple ripe with baby.. i am a man who is very excited about the future.. it is important i feel that you know how happy i am.. and how totally devoted i am.. it is truelly amazing what is happening in our lives and i can not wait to share it with you.. the other night we were lying together and christina rolled over.. i was in a light doze.. when i felt a small tender hand reaching for mine.. in a moment it was as though a hand was reaching through my wifes belly to touch me.. but then that made no sence and i more awoke to realize christina's hands just behind the subtle embrace firmly closing in my grip and i looked into her eyes and kissed her.. "i love you christina" i said.. "i love you john" she said, it was a beautiful moment.. i spoke with my mother tina about the experience today when i told her the news.. how christina had called me at work but i could not answer because bussiness at the pizza shop was so much.. but then she called again and i thought that there could be a problem but still i couldn't get away.. then she shows up suprising me.. and she was radiating such bueaty i had to tell her she was so bueatiful.. she has gotten something for me at the mall.. that i must come out to the car and get it.. so about five minutes later i get a moment free to go to the car.. and she is sitting in drivers seat of her black eclipse.. she say's with the window rolled down boldly, "will you please sit in the car", "ok", i say and go around to the passanger seat.. then she gives me this small plastic bag and tells me to open it.. i don't know what it could be.. but the shape is seams like could be a nose hair clipper.. but then i pulled it out and all i saw was the word "pregnant"...... it changed my life.. "i love you" i said, "i love you john" she said.. i pray that everything goes well with us.. that we have support and guidance.. i strive to be the best father.. mother tina told me that i should remember these experiences.. that they are so important.. and our whole family is so happy for us.. i'm just thankful because life is really getting good.. i am feeling joy because i really have wanted to have a child.. that a spirit soul has choosen us is such a blessing.. i love my wife.. i thank her everyday for being in my life.. for giving me such life.. if i could know the divine.. i would know hirm through chirstina and our child.. the mirical of the both of them.. and if you are reading this my child.. i hope you know how even before you were concieved of.. you were loved.. you were known.. and you were expected.. i love you.. i will always love you.. and you are divine.. special no.. divine yes!
Currently feeling: thankful
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:23 pm 1 comments

August12th to August4th

August 12th, 2005
little one your precious heart
Little one your very primitive precious heart starts beating in about a half an hour well some time on the 12th not exactly sure when but none the less I m aware of your hearts first beating.
How beautiful you are.
So loved So Adored. So wonderful
What a beautiful beginning. All of us together. So amazing . your new life together.
I promise I will do the very best that I can to bring you love and happiness in every way that I can. Little one you are so welcomed.
Your father is such a divine being you will love him so much as I do and we will be a giant energy of pulsating love.


Today I have ate:
Pasta with garlic onions rosemary yummy sacue and mushrooms
Shortbread cookies 3 of them
A veggie burger with lettuce and maricle whip ( LOVE IT J)
Green goodness
More green goodness
A apple
Water
Red cherries
Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:49 am care to comment
August 11th, 2005
a bright day
I really have to apologize to my dear husband I have been very turbulent up and down on a constant basis. I cant even predict when it will come out of no where unsuspectingly from the dark crevasses of my emotional terrain.
Sometimes I m just sad or irritated for no apparent reason and I hope that john knows that I m not mad or upset with him or anything at all for that matter its some kind of weird balancing happening inside of me.
Like it needs to happen to get back to normal. A flux of raw emotion.
And because I m not sure how we plan to have our child sometimes I get scared about things because I haven’t really told my diary a lot about my lack of respect and faith I have in conventional medicine and healthcare. Well I cant stand it or tolerate it at any means. I don’t believe that some doctor should tell me when to push and what to do . I will do things at my own pace and the way WE want things to be. Because this is a sacred experience and I will not dampen it with a conventional soulless environment. ( sigh)
I have like yesterday I m so sorry I couldn’t write much of anything but wallerings of a emotional train wreck . lol I had morning sickness all day yesterday dry heaving and feeling very sick every 20 min. it seemed and I was so tired so I thought I would try to write more today to make up for yesterdays lack. We have decided some very important crucial details about the parenting what to do and what to avoid . It is really comforting to discuss such things because there is so much to have a hold on and a opinion on.
I guess because I have been feeling rather up and down sometimes I feel like everyone is mad at me for being pregnant not that I m pregnant but the moods I go thorough because of it. John ready does so much for me and I m so thankful all his efforts are not going un noticed.

You work hard and I know you do. I yes will I promise find something that I can do. And I m sorry money will come easy it cant and wont always be like this. I watched that 80’s movie look who’s talking I know its kinda dorky but I cant help it I love it. It shows some of the most beautiful parts of parenthood. I really have been noticing more and more my husbands beauty. Not just his psychical beauty. Not to say that I didn’t see it before but now I see it everywhere. He is so wonderful his intellect is truly amazing hes a genius so very intelligent. Never failing to bring my brain into awareness of something I didn’t previously know of. So wonderful. He is going to be the most perfect father in the entire universe. Playful genuinely sincere and gentle and kind and completely loving. Im so lucky to have married my soul mate and we are creating our OWN family.
I have never met such a wonderful amazing man as my husband. He is what every man should asprie to become.
Posted by ripewithbaby at 02:04 pm care to comment
August 10th, 2005
unstable at best toady
Today I have had morning sickness ALL day aftereating 2 salads of spinach with mushrooms radishes onions and snow peascrackers with cheese and protein drink and water that is all I have consumedtoady. Feeling sick dry heaving feeling unstable and hateful towards conventionalmedicine and health care feeling afraid of what I will do to people who may tryto stand in my way. Its my bed time for im sick and cant stop crying becausetoday im unstable.goodnight.

hello..we had several great moments today.. and some fun too.. it is justreally frightning unsure how all this is going to happen.. as thefather i am still very aware that there is nothing much i can do but besupportive and caring.. but i have to admitt sometimes i feel a bit ofstress.. enough of that.. christina got me rollercoaster tycoon 3 andit is very difficult to get those little mechanics to fix anything..that is the most agravating thing yet.. but christina built a littleshop that sells witch hats and it made her very happy to see the littlepeople in the computer simulation wearing those hats that they boughtat her shop.. the day seemed to go by very quickly

christina
i love you so much
i am always here for you
i care so deeply about you and our child
i pray for us all that this will be a good birth
i can not say how i feel
i ache to let you know
i need you





Posted by ripewithbaby at 01:22 pm 4 comments
August 9th, 2005
our little bean
Today you my little one have been on my mind all day not to say that I don’t all the time anyways but more than usual. Little one how small I know you are. Little bean.
Growing so fast each second day by day closer to being in our loving arms. I cant wait to look into your beautiful eyes and to hold you and love you. Forever. My child you are a true miracle. Life growing in my tummy. So much responsibility. So much to learn so much to teach to guide you to help you shine not to tarnish your beautiful spirit.
Little one hear my voice let it comfort you. You are safe right inside of my womb. nothing can harm you .when the day comes and we are no longer one flesh and you will have your own identity apart from mine. I will always protect you and be sure you know that you are always loved.
Me and jonny talked on the phone for like a hour while he was at work. I love talking to him we don’t really even have to say much.
I love you jonny you are such a amazing creature we are the same flame together we burn forever unified.
I love everything about you. The way you speak the way you express yourself the way you walk the way hold yourself also beautiful and unique.
My true love forever. I burn brightly for you.

Today I ate:
1 apple
Spinach
1 protein drink
1 horse
1 berry drink
Both sets of prenatal vitamins
Soy sausage with tomatoes sauce with fresh mushrooms
Red yummy cherries

i don't believe that she ate a horse.. but she was hungry enough that she might could have eaten a horse.. if it were a small horse.. and a vegatarian horse.. we are vegetarians and it would be against our diet to have a regular horse..

what an interesting day.. we saw that march of the penguins movie.. how horrible that would be to be an emperior penguin.. but then again it is such a marvolous creature.. the male actually goes without food for 4 months to sit on an egg.. and not just sit on the egg but carry it around with out dropping it through -80 below temperatures with winds up to 100 miles an hour.. huddled together with 100's of other father birds.. all banded together with the soul of the species on the line.. waiting for the women to make it back form the feeding pools an 80 mile walk away.. and if the women don't make it back alive.. the baby starves ... so many ways to lose a baby bird..it is sad yet an awsome triumph for that penguin.. living on the south pole!
i love christina.. and she in the past month has really figured out how to make me laugh.. i've never laughed so hard in my entire life as i have this month.. and there is almost nothing better that laughter.. so thankyou love

little bean.. remember that laughter and joy are the greatest gifts to share with the world.. that you deserve happiness.. and that it is something that already exist within you.. that if you harness it.. nothing can shake you from it.. you will rise above and through all obsticals with love like this

Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:30 am care to comment
August 8th, 2005
todays highlights
Today was a good day. We went toMichigan and went to annas and matts bridal shower. It was kinds strange but squares usually are. It was amazingly hot today so I didn’t really participate in much of the action and that I didn’t really know anybody so I just stayed inside and ate food and talked with my husband and ate food.nice drive there and back. We took a lovely nap today I dangled my feet in the pool before sun down and met a lot of new family members that I didn’t previously know. Everyone so excited about out babyJAnyways have been thinking much about our child today. We had a really great time on the way home as we always seem to do. I love to speak to my husband and fill him in on how it it that I got to him the paths I had to follow and the mistakes I had to make to my my dreams come true . being much more conscious that we are pregnant and noticing im not kidding in my belly I now know that it can be normal to show at your 5th week or 6th and iam for sure wow. I guess every woman’s body reacts different to pregnancy. Having talked about out future and knowing that I m bring new life into this world and that I m the vessel for such a miracle that now nothing can stop us. That this world damn well better know it has to change its dammed ways because OUR child is entering this world and I will not tolerate anything other than the best for our offspring.
I have to make a time to go fill my paper work o this week to get into my doctors to get hopefully a ultrasound J how exciting im Sooooo excited!
I will. I have some business stuff to do but hopefully it wont take long tomorrow.i plan on working at home so I don’t have to work while im pregnant. Honestly I have not much to say today.
I love you jonny
I love you little bean
Today I have ate:
Half of a luna bar ( now my taste buds are switching and I don’t like 2 much sweet)
Cucumbers a lot of them
Wheat thins in some yummy cheese dip and ranch sauce J
1 pear
½ pound amish potato salad
½ pound amish macaroni salad
Carrots
Cheese bites
Rhubarb stalk
1 ½ Pomegranate juice
Orange juice
water

hello.. i love you christina.. yes it was a fun day.. we visited my everyone in michigan.. now my mom and dad are divorced both with new people.. it has been a since 87 or something but it was really interesting to see her at the bridal shower of my brother matt it was at my dads house and well it is just interesting the way all the broken families can heal for the good of the children.. we went to my mothers and i told her long term long time boyfriend chuck that he was going to be a grandpa.. "that doesn't make me any older!" i just accept him as a step father as much as i accept debbie as a step mother.. that is my fathers wife.. having been a part of a family that went through divorces on all sides introduced me to a lot of real important truths and facts about relationship and love.. and i've waited for someone who i could totally love forever.. i am so happy..

today buttercup fell in the pool at my dads and was rescued by christina

love is so magical

little bean
Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:28 am care to comment
August 7th, 2005
jumpy topics
Wow today was so long and started so early that I barely remember all that happened today. We woke up at 8 30 am which is not my cup of tea ( noon is much better)anyways we went to the doctors to confirm our pregnancy. As I suspected due date April 7th 2006 and im 5 weeks along. Im so glad I didn’t have to go alone. I really have such a wonderful supportive husband. So he had to work early so I did some house work and did some research at my parents today. I went and bought lots of food today about 200 dollars worth yum im so happy we have good nourishing food. melon and carrots greens and fruits.so then me and my mom painted finished up the nurseries base color and me and jonny painted grass underneath the fence I painted. I felt kinda bad today jonny snuck up on me to surprise me and I was jamming to old school but rock guns n roses. I know I know kind of lame but sweet child of mine is actually a good song.i was startled ( as I have been for the last few days , jumpy) the paint kinda flew outta my hands and stained our carpet woops. Lol.i haven’t really sang yet around jonny amazingly for some weird reason like some kinda of secret I keep. My voice hidden in a treasure chest. I love to sing weather or not it even sounds good. Anyways…besides painting the babys room and buying food conforming that we are indeed having a baby that’s what I did today.



Anyways…today I have missed jonny a lot I know I say this a lot but I cant help it. O yea and I bought finally a sports bra because let me tell you your breasts swell and ache when your pregnant. a sports bra helps soooo much.
I feel bad that when john comes home I m tired but being pregnant I m tired all the time , all the time! I would stay awake but I cant.



Ok now to writing about stuff other than all the details of my saturady. Beauty I feel beautiful to have a being growing within me. I hate my space I feel like its some kind of breeding ground for a super superficiality in disuse to a real connection that is never satisfying. To make others lust over their plastic fabricated bodies. I had to sign on to show my mom my profile because she wanted to read what john initially read about me so I did and I really hate that place it makes me feel bitter. Yea artistic pictures so its soft porn maybe its beautiful but I just cant see it as that. Who knows im bitter about this subject and I don’t see myself changing my standing with thinking regardless I am the most fabulous and the most beautiful and I don’t need silicone and stiletto heels to make me a goddess. Yes I know I share my spices with many but none other like I.
I feel like a pitbull anyone that is remotely in my territory zone I m going to lock jaw totally and start tearing apart flesh. So I wont share the spot light because I don’t have to. Yea I wanted to touch on the beauty issues that is phasing down and out of me (finally) I think because I used to be glam and now I don’t lead that lifestyle I forget how fabulous I was and that no one hold a candle to me hahahahaha…. Ah(sigh) I fell much better.
My beauty is the only of its kind and sometimes I feel like I could morph into hecate or the morrigan war and powerfull goddess maybe kali. YiKes!
Ok now I feel like a light goddess maybe Isis or Hathor.
Anyways my back hurts today I realy need a massage.
To get totally off subject like I have been.
I m so excited to be a mother and a wife.
I just want our family to be total and complete and obstacles that try to get I our way I will tear apart piece by piece because I m done with obstacles. No mercy. This is our path this is our destiny and no man woman child or being shall stand in our way.
My husband is mine and I m not kidding we are now a family and I will tear apart anyone with my astral razors of truth that would even think to hinder our path and love. My back hurts god I need a massage….
Today I ate:
Pomegranate juice
2 eggs and 2 pieces of toast
5 applesauce cookies
I small bag of carrots
Melon cantaloupe and honeydew and pineapple
1 apple

jonny im sorry i have been so tired and i know your ired when you come home but i really need you closer than ever befeore i have your seed growing inside of my womb so i need to naturally be close to you closer than usual. i love you so much. im sorry if i haev been crazy recently but i cant help it. i felt like that girl at the co op had somekind of weird energy towrds us im courious if there was anything that ever happned with that mabye thats why subconciously i dont like her.lol.besides those people being pricks.anyways.i dont want you to see any one more beautiful as i because i m now carrying your our child and i need to be that in your heart.im tired. i love you.i need you. we love you. daddy

the thing i am so tired of working this week and it is over and i worked more this week than in many months yet have a ton of energy but i act like i've had enough at work.. because i have.. i want to spend some quality time with my wife.. it is maddening.. i get crazy breakdown cussing in the car when i end up covering peoples shifts and such all week long.. though that is not the issue here.. it is so awsome that crazy frog is hitting the charts.. those russian people in the sub are saved.. political talk on the radio was vacant and void as it usually is on saturday.. i've a new cd.. guitar instrumental.. i like it.. that girl at the co op is just a cashier.. that is the only context that i've ever known or cared to know her in.. though i have known her a few years.. hello is about all there ever has been..

christina your voice is so amazing.. at first as i was walking in i didn't realize i'd cought you singing and you didn't know i was home.. but by then the solo started.. so i waited with buttercup at my feet stareing like what are you doing.. and through the solo i heard you humming and playing with words and wondered how you were going to sound.. then the where do we go where do we go now part kicked in and you started singing again along.. at first you had to adjust to get the tone you liked.. and then you hit the zone of perfect parrallel pitch and tone with the lyric as it axel sang it.. it was so wonderful.. so that it had to be seen to be totally believed how you could create such a audacious voice.. i was so exited and toward the end i came in to see you and you had your eyes closed while you sang.. so beautiful.. i needed to hold you right then but you didn't even know i was home.. and it was to late not to startle you and you heard me and opened your eyes and it took your brain a moment to adjust but by then the paint tray was out of your hand.. i'm so sorry.. but you got so funny.. saying that i reset you.. i love you so much

now let me think.. what else.. i got to go give my wife that massage!!

i love our baby
Currently feeling: sleepy
Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:57 am care to comment
August 5th, 2005
Friday Solitude
I just want to start out today with saying think you to my husband.
He works so very hard and long hours.
I appreciate everything that he does and I know that right now money is a slight stress and is kinda ploopy but I know it will get better.
HE does so much for me all the time . Always concerned with how I feel and if I m comfortable and always checking in with me usually just to tell me he loves me which brightens my whole entire day.

I had a very restful beautiful sleep last night feeling very rested but you know it….. still tired imagine that….
Sometimes I get bursts of insecurity is that from being pregnant I think it defiantly boosts it up a lot. I just strive to be the most beautiful for my husband finding no other as beautiful or as attractive asI.
I know I know this sounds bad but I m being 100% honest here and may be crucifying myself on the page… but it’s a driving need not just a want epically because I m carrying our child I feel like I hope I m seen as the most beautiful woman in the universe.
I feel empowered. very empowered today like I have tapped into some great powerhouse of energy but not just any energy power energy. That I just exude power and self possession. I was going to go get my blood work done today but tomorrow will work better for everyone. And hey its one more day I can put it off but I have to go tomorrow. Its not that im not going today just isn’t gonna work for me at all really.
I m later on going to see my childhood best friend and we are going to have dinner or go to the park or something I m excited. Its Friday john is gone all day today but that’s ok he seems to be gone a lot recently. I don’t like it. I wish a better job would come to him that the hours he works now already if he had a better job he would make so much more and maybe have benefits. And then my stupid jealously kicks in cause i know on fridays he has to talk to so many kinds of people I just hope hes not flirting with all the young bodies that exist. Not saying that I think he would but it would really kinda break something in me to know if that was happening. O any ways. Just need to get over it I guess not think about it. Im going to paint some more in the baby’s room today I m excited.
Ok so the day is almost done I went out to dinner with rose at Casas and it was such a wonderful time. I had so much fun we went to the cemetery but we left cause it was way cold and there were these 2 weird cats following us or seemed like it at least.damn spys !
Anyways today I have been to be honest unstable at best . very empowered one minute and the next in tears. I feel bad for my husband because of it im sorry.
Today I ate:
1 apple
Pasta
A half a block of cheese
Stuffed Salmon(omg so yummy J)
Mashed potoaotes
A Salad
A small loaf of bread with parmesan cheese and rosemary olive oil

Im going to take a bath so until tomorrow good night.
i really miss my husbund ....

it is true.. this week has been a lot of work.. i've had to get up early all most every day.. and come home late too.. my life has been just like this.. working so much with not much wealth to show for it.. my brother matt and i opened a pizza shop 2 and half years ago... well it was his investment and i help run it.. honestly.. i worked the first 6 months living in the shop and working for food.. but now it is the most income i've ever in my life earned.. but it hasn't really been enough.. but just enough to get by.. now i've a family to support and i don't yet know how i'm going to do that.. i don't know that the pizza shop will be able to do what i need it to.. something else is going to have to happen for me.. and i'm sure it will soon.. just not exactly yet.. one thing though.. i think that there is a lie that has seriously weakend our nation.. and that is the story that everything is ok.. fair.. and hard work pays off.. in a correct realization of a government yes... that is not what we have today... this is not a democracy.. it is something else that is pertending to be.. this is more like a megopolatic cooperation.. it is failing to be anything completly so it is failing to be anything that makes any sence.. at least to me.. luckily the ideas and intention for this nation seems to be winning out over the coruption of those who have screwed it all up.. and we have people on the other side of uganda claiming that there is only one true religion and all others must die.. flipping so the dukes of hazard got one star and a huge thumbs down.. while many say it was better than they expected.. and a group are poised in northern california to actually capture a live big foot... and if that isn't enough.. i got nothing more to say about that.. because i'm so wound up and excited after working all day to be home with my wife but by now she is sleepy and i have to take a shower still.. and i'm prone to few hours of sleep when i am eating healthy.. like no caffine and no meat.. and today under 1000 calories because i was working and just didn't eat.. so i'm all turbo charged and full of zannieness.. and buttercup is out of her little puppy mind moving form one corner of the bed to the other as i type this. trying to catch a fly in her mouth and laying ther looking at me then getting up and putting her head on my arm then laying back by the pillow.. just knowing probally but hoping it takes really long before she will be back in that deep dark kennel... and i'm wondering if she has to go to the bathroom because she still has not got the hang of going out doors.. all and all christina.. she is so absolutly beautiful.. you readers don't even know it.. but if you seen her.. and today.. she was so radiant.. so absolutly out of this world.. it is as if she is getting more beautiful all the time... you really are everything to me.. and i am devoted to being yours forever.. i so much love you my wife..

i am going to need to create more time to be home.. absolutly.. this world is going to have to bend to my intentions.. it is my ultimate will to spend a lot of time with my family.. it is my firm belief that family time is the most important factor that is missing today throughout this country and the whole world.. we have become consummed by work.. not just to have.. but to make ends meet.. well.. listen up.. creativly and peacefully i will open your wallet to your heart.. love is an element more prized than weapons grade plutonium.. and the only way to really save the world is to lighten the load and give more so that people can actually live the dream instead of dream the dream while struggling to make it.. the american dream is suppost to be something every citizen realizes.. not an out of touch ideal.. so write your congressman and tell them.. that money to nasa is a waste of tax payer dollars.. and that you want a reciet next month on all government expenses.. and if there is any blatent waste it is going to come out of there check

and for one moment i'd like to offer my mental apperatus to the engeneering of the mission to save those sceintist in the subberine in the pacific ocean... i expect them to return safely to the surface by the end of the hour

this whole world is very much going to change

i am in love


Currently feeling: hungry
Posted by ripewithbaby at 11:52 pm care to comment
Dreamy Delight
Today I m really feeling tired. Realizing the under currents of what I m feeling. Feeling like I have no common familiar ground to cling to. Nothing is as it was before. The way I was living. My thought process my outlook into the whole world has and is changing dramatically. This is unfamiliar to me. These rapid changes and feelings that I feel.
Everything is so different. Feeling more and more like I have no skin everything passes though me making me vulnerable to all kinds of energies making myself feel more defensive energetically. Nothing to cling to that is familiar so I feel kind of outside myself but never before so much inside my own body. Pregnancy makes you feel yourself.

Its later in the day and im still so extremely exaushted.im not kidding. i cant stop yawning.


Ive spent most of the day doing research on my new unique beautiful condition. Joining pregnancy clubs so I can read other to be mommies message boards knowing that a lot of these feelings and symptoms are being felt all over the world many blessed women.
My husband has been out all day doing business stuff and I have been kinda lonely. Not so much lonely I just really have strong needs to be very close to him, all the time! Lol.
I took 2 naps today and I m still so tired.I went to go get blood work done today but they were just closing and I have to go back tomorrow or Saturday. Im not thrilled because Im so afraid of exams I cant even express to you its like horror to be touched and prodded by someone you don’t know or even trust. Not very happy about having to stop being stubborn and do it anyway I just want to rebel and say “hell no! get your prongy thing away from me, I m out!” but I know in reality I cant. I miss my hubby.

Today I ate:
Cajun Seasoned Brown Rice with jalapeño peppers
Lasangna with yummy ricotta cheese
4 Bread sticks actually 3 and 1 half bread sticks
1 Sprite( my first soda in like 3 or 4 months)really too sweet
Lots Of Water
White GrapeJuice
Carrots and Poppyseed Salad Dressing
after i eat i feel extremely ickky like i need to throw up it is really annoying let me tell you.

i didn't have much time to spend with my yummy wife today.. my brother needed me to help him evict some bad tennets at one of his rental houses in michigan.. we left at 6am.. 2 hour drive.. one way... any how.. the point is this house was trashed.. a large trailer of junk.. abandoned cloths and food and about 8 empty washing dergent bottles.. cases from video rentals without the movies.. the brand new carpet is totally demolished.. the walls are dirty.. crayons and broken toys scattered throughout the house.. these poeple have 3 children and a one month old baby.. now abstract from all that i could say about what happend today.. the most important is that i could never live like that.. i can't comprehend how anyone should be allowed to get away with that kind of mess.. well they solved it by not paying rent for near 3 months... never returning phone calls or answering the door.. still in this mess i couldn't help but remember children were being raised.. included in the discard were at least 15 pair of shoes for children and 5 bags of clothes.. i don't want to fall of topic but that just seemed insaine because none of the shoes seemed to match.. but anyhow... when we were leaving some rickity old skinny man was walking up to the house.. with a huge michigan bank roll in hand.. a wad of cash.. his extra thin tooth deprived woman was driving the mini van... we told them that the people they had come to see.. had been evicted.. as we were cleaning up 4 to 5 people stopped and drove away as if some buisness was going on.. the neighbor man said he could finally sleep feeling safe... that they always had near 20 visits through the night and all day long.. again i stress.. children being raised in this atmoshpere.. i'm just thinking about our own futures.. and the element of this society that i must gaurd my child against.. how to do that successfully.. how to keep those children and there peer influence away from my own.. honestly.. i have a feeling i will be a very proctective and radically involved father on all levels of our childs growth and education

i thought about these things today.. i was also sad and sorry that i couldn't spend more time with christina.. as soon as i got home i had a few hours and then had to be to work.. i only got home a bit ago and it is now 2am and i got to be back to work and 11am

friday

the most busy day of the week for me

still i must share the this... in all that we go through.. i strive to keep a good supportive attitude.. i strive to keep my mood up.. to stay joyful.. i really love life.. and i've never had so much to live for as i do now

Currently feeling: sleepy
Posted by ripewithbaby at 03:29 am 2 comments
August 4th, 2005
Conception
I must say I do indeed feel more pregnant today. I have had the most wicked mood swings landing where ever I end up it seems. So today very happy and suddenly angry and sad. Moods terribly unstable. I had the conversation about birthing options with my parents and it really upset me because im totally afraid a true fear fills my body when I go into hospitals and I really really do not want to have our child in a hospital. I said that I don’t believe in abortions because life is a scared gift and should never be destroyed but having a baby in a hospital is like having a abortion. Because a piece of me will die and fade. That’s what happens to me in hospitals in general.
Our child is 100% completely planned and welcomed and loved.
The birthing experience is so sacred and I just want to make it magical not typical.

Today I ate:
Spiral Pasta ( I know more pasta)
Mashed Potatoes with butter and green seasonings( I love potatoes)
Noodles flavored heavily yum
Broccoli with lots of butter
6 shortbread fudge cookies
1 extra fudge brownie
Soy Milk Vanilla
1 slice of onion and cheese yum pizza( I know im naughty)
Lots of water


I couldn’t help my self I had to write about conception from a adopted pregnant woman’s perspective.
Okay first some basic points of reference that is really common knowledge to me. Life indeed begins way before birth.
I believe life begins before you enter your chosen mothers womb.
You are a thriving Spirit full of consciousness and awareness living on one of the spiritual planes of existence.
From my own opinion I believe that each life is like going to school each time you advance a new level of consciousness and spiritual vibration.
Sometimes satisfied with your growth and level you choose not to incarnate instead group with the godhead.
Having the choice to come to the Earth plane for a number of countless reasons.
To raise your vibration ever higher.
To help those of your soul group that have chosen a incarnation on the earth plane.
To help earth heal and bring forth spiritual divine light.
Making it more available to tap into on the Earth plane. To even out Karma.
There are countless reasons.
So you decide that you will to be incarnated and wish to lead a life in a physical body as your vehicle.
So with the exact reasons you have chosen to be incarnated you start interviewing potential parents that will offer you the lessons, the treatment, the experiences that will enable those reasons you choose to be incarnated to take place. Shaping and molding you Usually you will choose parents that are already a part of your soul family or reasons to settle karma with. Like a granddaughter having her baby that is the soul of her Grandmother that passed on.. Not very uncommon.
So you interview your potential parents and observe their lifestyle their hearts and spirits. You finally make you decision of whom your parents shall be and as conception happens you choose that body to nestle in that mother.
The moment of conception is really a tricky issue.
If you think about it most people that have sexual experiences are not usually in love or really care for each other it can be just for selfish reasons of instant self gratification.
So the way that the child is conceived I believe has a effect on the psyche. Out of lust and just totally just psychical and no real connection is defiantly going to be different than conceiving out of sacred union and true love with the will to conceive a child. Vs. not wanting a child.

As being adopted I feel I was a mistake not planned obviously and the feelings that I must have felt. My mothers fears. Finical fears not being able to care after another child after having 3 already. Emotional issues of giving up a child. And whatever else that was going on in her life had a dramatic imprint on me on a cellular and complete level.
Thats why i know its so importnat to
Acknowledge that our child was conceived with awareness through and out of love. The absence of lust. Wanting each other yes but not in a empty primal way. Through love and true love even better!
I just know the ways I felt unwanted sometimes and having read a lot on the subject knowing that those imprints have lasting affect s in my adult life . I need to make clear to our unborn child that she/he was and is wanted. Totally planned. Totally welcomed. In anticipation and excitement. 100% love.
I am so excited.. today was a great day.. i too was adopted from birth.. it has always for that reason been really important that one day I’d have children of my own.. because I’ve never known the biological connection.. I feel that it will fill in a lot of gaps that exist in my developmental frame of reference.. sure I’m witnessing the experience from the parental perspective but that is just great..

I love my wife!

I really want to be fully aware and present in the moments that we have to share.. I want to be the best father and husband..


I am going to read that book I picked up yesterday.. Christina had placed it on hold at the book store.. by depok chopra.. it has just came out in 2005.. about childbirth.. a holistic guide to pregnancy and childbirth”… it is called..






Currently feeling: hungry
Posted by ripewithbaby at 12:24 am 1 comments